Heroes Episode 3: One Giant Leap

So here it is, Episode 3! Enjoy!
As always, older episodes and such are under archives

Mohinder: I'm not sure what happened to the other guy, but I get to recap last week's episode, AND do my usual thoughts on evolution!

Mohinder: Evolution is cool, but it can really be a bitch sometimes. However, it only does it for it's goal: Survival!

Me: Do these writers know biology at all? The goal is not just survival, you have to survive long enough to have offspring! Jeez!

Mohinder: C'mon! Who'd want to see a tv show where every superpowered person wants to go have kids? That's just plain stupid!

Me: Hm...so if you think about Darwin's "Survival of the Fittest" in that way, Nathan is one hell of a survivor...

Outskirts of Las Vegas

Nikki: I have to bury these dead bodies, but it looks like someone else is buried here! Hey, this skull-shaped ring looks familiar...



Odessa, Texas

Claire: If we win this football game, all of us high schoolers are gonna go hang out somewhere with no adult supervision until midnight!

HRG: Ok, you can go, just don't do anything with the quarterback!

Claire: Don't worry, pretty blonde cheerleaders don't get with quarterbacks unless they're also world-class bitches!

HRG: Maybe you should date nerds, you know, like that Japanese time bending guy!

"Plaire" Fans: No!!! You should date totally hot hospice nurses!!!

Jackie: Hey, Mr.Bennet, you've got such nice distinctive eyewear, people may as well start calling you "Horn Rimmed Glasses"

HRG: So, I heard that you're the new town hero!

Jackie: O.M.G.! Did you hear about that?

Claire: Did you just say "omg" out loud? Your ditz-meter just went up about 10 points...


Tokyo, Japan


Ando: Sweet, now I can carry the hot American stripper on my awesome Ipod with Video!

Me: Can you say "product placement?"

Ando: If you think that's bad, wait until we get our Nissan!

Hiro: Ando! I traveled forward in time and saw New York explode!

Ando: Someone's been drinking too much sake...

Hiro: I have proof! It's a comic about us from the future! See? It has everything you just told me? How would I have known that?

Ando: The bigger question is, how the heck did you read that? You can't read english!

Hiro: That doesn't matter! Now come on, we have to save a little girl!


Manhattan, NYC

Peter: I've decided not to jump off buildings anymore, falling off playground equipment is easier!

Kid: didn't your mommy ever tell you it's unsafe to stand on monkey-bars?

Peter: This is odd, I'd better go talk to Nathan.

Nathan: Peter, I've got a campaign to run here, do you really think I care about your flying problem?

Peter: Of course you do! But guess what, I found out that this Indian guy wrote a book about human flight, AND he just so happens to have moved to NYC to do more research!

Nathan: Why couldn't he do it in India?

Peter: I dunno, I guess there are just more people with super powers here than in Asia...

Nathan: Well, what's more important right now is that we find a way to explain to the press why you tried to jump off a roof...

Peter: Who cares about that? Don't you want to know why we can fly?

Nathan: Not really, I'd rather win this election.

Peter: Fine, so what do you plan on telling the reporter?

Nathan: I'm a politician, so something that's NOT the truth!


Brooklyn, NYC (yeah, we're starting to be specific about that)


Mohinder: Why does this stupid code make no sense?!?! AAAAAAAAHH!!!

Eden: Will some mac and cheese make you feel better?

Mohinder: Everything my dad did was stupid and pointless! Look, he made a stupid theory, a pointless algorithm, and now I'm wasting my time proving his stupid idea!

Eden: Will you make up you're freaking mind already?!? One week his theory is awesome, the next week it sucks, but then it's awesome again! Now it sucks, yet again!

Mohinder: I've made up my mind! IT SUCKS SO MUCH, I'M GONNA THROW HIS FRICKIN' COMPUTER!

Eden: Look! Yet another serendipitous discovery! It's a journal somehow hidden in a computer!

Mohinder: Hmm...the evil guy's address and a key. I wonder what it means?

LA

Matt: I'm telling the truth! I heard the little girl, but in my head!

Audrey: Fine, so what am I thinking right now?

Matt: um....

Audrey: *thinking* Why the heck did I bring this loser in here? It's so obvious he couldn't have done it! I guess it was for the sake of driving the plot forward, but it's already going to slowly...

Matt: You think this show moves waaaaaay too slowly!

Audrey: Sweet! The FBI's been looking for a psychic cop!

Odessa, Texas

Zach: Claire, I couldn't help but notice that you're totally ignoring the whole, "I lost the tape of you trying to kill yourself" thing

Claire: Well, I think it's good. Now I can be normal!

Zach: Why on earth would you want to be normal!???

Claire: Have you never seen Smallville, or any other superhero movie or comic for that matter? If you have superpowers, you have to brood and wish you were normal. I'm only following rules!


NYC


Simone: I'm selling all your paintings, and I got rid of your drugs!

Isaac: What??? how am I supposed to save the world if I'm not high?!?

Simone: Isaac, you can't paint the future! Be normal!

Isaac: I don't want to loose you, Simone!

Simone: Right, keep that in mind for episode 16! Now I'm leaving!


Tokyo, Japan


Hiro: Ok, now help me find the girl!

Girl: Japan has one of the world's best education systems, but apparently they forget to tell us to look before crossing a street!

Hiro: I'll save you with my time stopping awesomeness! *time freeze*

Girl: I'm alive!

Hiro: YATAAAAA!!!!!!

Ando: You did it! Let's hug and dance around in the middle of the street to celebrate!

Some desert in Nevada

Nikki: I finished burying those guys, just in time for sunrise!

Micah: Good morning!

Nikki: Hey, honey! How'd you sleep?

Micah: I was sleeping in the back of a car with no roof in the middle of the desert. How do you think I slept?

Nikki: Well, I'm sure it was better than my night! That's for sure!

Micah: So where are we going now?

Nikki: We're gonna go tell your grandma what a horrible mother she was!

Micah's Grandma: Micah!!!!!!! Give me a big hug!!!!!!!

Micah: Yay!!!

Grandma: Nikki, you're a terrible mother. Let me raise your son!

Nikki: Why, so he can end up like his wonderful father?

Grandma: My son is not a criminal!

Nikki: Yes he is! I found this ring of his in a grave! He murdered his gang!

Grandma: No he didn't! And even if he did, Micah is better off with me than a frickin grave-robber like you!

Nikki: I want you out of my son's life!

Grandma: Well, you're the one who brought him here!

Nikki: Don't make me angry! You wouldn't want to meet my other personality!!

LA

Matt: Why am I still here? My poor, lonely wife is waiting for me!

Audrey: We'll let you leave as soon as you read the little girl's mind.

Matt: Ok, fine, but first, the audience and I could really use some backstory on this Sylar guy...

Audrey: Well, basically, he's a serial killer who somehow kills without touching. He also cuts the victims heads off.

Matt: Wow, you must be crazy to go after a guy like him!

NYC

Mohinder: Knockknock! Are you there, Sylar?!?

Eden: Are you sure it's a smart idea to go meet the guy who killed your father!

Mohinder: Of course it is! I just want to ask him why!

Eden: Yeah, I'm sure the crazy psycho murderer is going to invite you in for tea and chat about his motives, right?

Mohinder: That's how they treat guests in India!

Eden: This is America, genius! Guests are treated like crap, not God!

Mohinder: But all the answers might be behind this door!

Writers: Why would we answer stuff in the third episode?

Me: Yeah, how'd this guy get a PhD anyway?

Mohinder: Good thing I carry around a screw driver with me so I can conveniently break in to bad guys' apartments...

Eden: Mohinder, everything in here seems totally normal. What are you taking all those pictures for?

Mohinder: I happen to think he's got good decorating sense, ok??

Eden: Look, his photo album is filled with pics of dead people? What's up with that?

Mohinder: Nevermind that, I've serendipitously found yet another mystery!

Eden: Hey, that map looks familiar! And it has other characters on this show posted on it, like the annoying congressman!

Mohinder: Look! Yet another mystery! A wall full of odd christian overtones! What on earth was my father involved in???

Eden: I wouldn't ask- it's a bit of a lost plot line that the writers are probably hoping we'll forget about...

LA

Audrey: OK, so the little girl is being kept in a perfectly safe place...

Little girl: AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Audrey: Or not...

Sylar: It's waaay smarter to try to kidnap you instead of kill you right here...

Audrey: Freeze! You're under arrest!

Sylar: Wait! You can't catch me, I haven't even been cast yet!

Matt: Don't worry! Sylar doesn't stand a chance against a tubby mindreading cop and an FBI chick!

Audrey: I've got you cornered! Put your hands up,now!

Sylar: I'd rather you point the gun at yourself, even though I could easily rip your head off...

Audrey: EEK!

Sylar: Why are you shooting yourself? :-P

Matt: Die, murderer!!!! *fires gun*

Audrey: I'm saved!

Sylar: I guess that's my exit cue...


On a plane from Tokyo

Ando: We figured after that intense Sylar chase, you could use some comic relief!

Hiro: This is so cool! We get to go stop a nuclear explosion! I think I might need a costume, though...

Ando: Dude, do you really think I wanna see you in tights?!?

Hiro: Ok, good point. We don't want to start any uprising of "Hando" Fans...

Ando: So does everything in that comic actually happen?

Hiro: Everything! Even this woman sleeping on your shoulder!

NYC

Simone: Peter, are you trying to sneak out of your shift early?!?

Peter: No, sorry, I'm quitting...

Simone: What?!? But having a hot nurse look after my dad was the only good part of him dying!

Peter: I'm sorry, but I'm...well, not ordinary. I'm extraordinary! And extraordinary people do extraordinary things!

Simone: What???

Peter: It's like...rivers belong where they can ramble, eagles belong where they can fly. And so do I!

Me: Sorry, I saw "Pippin" the musical last night...

Peter: I think I'm meant to be more than just a nurse. I should do something big- something explosive!

Simone: Well, I'll miss you.

Peter: Don't worry, they wouldn't get rid of your character that fast!

Some random field in Odessa, Texas

Claire: It's fun setting rival school mascots on fire!

Jackie: Speaking of fire, let me tell you about my amazing rescue!

Brody: Hey, Claire. I'm really sweet and nice. Really. I've noticed you've been depressed.

Claire: How would you know that?

Brody: Well, you stopped drinking chocolate milk, you stopped drawing in your notebooks, you stopped laughing at jokes...

Claire: Wow! You knowing all that isn't stalkerish at all. You're so sweet!

Brody: I even put fireworks in your mascot thing!

Claire: Are those even legal in Texas?

Brody: That doesn't matter. Now let's blow this joint!

Girl: I guess instead of warning Claire, I should just stand around looking depressed...

LA

Matt: Honey, I'm home!

Janice: And I care why?

Matt: I gotta tell you about my crazy adventurous day!

Janice: I don't care about your day! Our marriage sucks!

Matt: No it doesn't!

Me: Yeah, yeah, yeah...boring typical marital troubles. Let's just skip ahead a bit...

Odessa, Texas

Claire: I'm making out with a jock, and I'm loving it!

Brody: Nice, I am too!

Claire: Can we take a break and talk about my problems?

Brody: Sure, but can I rape you first?

Claire: What??? NO! GET AWAY FROM ME YOU PIG!

Me: C'mon, Claire! Punch him in the throat or something!

Claire: Unlike you, I'm a cheerleader, not a black belt in karate!

Me: Maybe you ought to find a more effective after school activity...

Brody: C'mon, Claire! You know you want it!

Claire: Over my dead body! *dies*

Brody: Claire? Uh-oh...

Las Vegas

Nikki: You're being awfully quiet...

Micah: Dad is innocent! You should believe in him more!

Nikki: No, I shouldn't. Now if you know where he is- Oh no! It's the cops!

Cop: You weren't speeding or anything, but a certain mob boss needs to speak with you about some money and thugs...

NYC

Peter: Anyone notice how different I look without that stupid piece of hair in my eyes?

Simone: I noticed!

Peter: See, I told you that you wouldn't be off the show yet!

Simone: And I also noticed that suddenly you seem way more attractive and confident, unlike my looser drug-addict boyfriend...

Peter: Well, now that I'm not working for your father, I don't feel afraid to tell you that I'm madly in love with you!

Nathan: Sorry, lovebirds, I gotta interrupt your moment with my campaign speech!

Nathan: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm glad that my wonderful family is here. Unfortunately, my father is not, since he's dead. He was depressed, just like my little brother! But it's a much better idea to tell everyone about it than to let him suffer on his own...

Peter: What??? That's it, I'm leaving and voting for the other guy!!

Los Angeles Airport

Hiro: We need a Nissan Versa! I've heard it's a wonderful car!

Ando: It sure is!

Me: Ack! It's the evil product placement! Don't let it get you, Hiro!!!

Ando: Before we drive off in our wonderful Nissan Versa, let me just take a peak at this stripper video I can conveniently carry on my Ipod!

Hiro: Wow, two great products in the same scene!

Me: They've both gone to the dark side! NOOOOO!!!

LA

Matt: As long as my wife hates me, I guess I can just hang out at bars and listen to people's thoughts...

The Hatian: You're mind reading won't work on me! I mean ........................

Matt: I've only had one drink...why do I feel so..........*faints*

NYC

Mohinder: Look in this apartment! It seems well decorated, but it's the home of a psycho!

Cops: Didn't we tell you not to worry about this? The whole "i have sinned thing" is nothing, we swear! No forget it ever happened!

Mohinder: Huh?? Everything is gone! I'll bet he has super packing abilities!!

Elsewhere in NYC

Peter: You son of bitch! I'll kill you!

Nathan: Easy, Pete, that's our mother you're talking about!

Me: That line was just too good to cut out!

Peter: You lied to me, and now you're letting everyone think I'm crazy!

Nathan: And the whole story just screams, "Nathan Petrelli: Family Man!"

Peter: Screw you! You just might make me actually depressed, or worse; evil!

"Evil Peter" Fans: SWEET!!!!!

Isaac: Lalala, flipping through my old drawings while for some reason India's national song plays in the background...

Me: Yeah, what is up with that???

Writers: It's in a language no one understands, and it sounds cool and mysterious! Give us a break!

Simone: Hey, Peter, I know you're already soaking wet, but I'll share my umbrella with you!

Peter: Aww, this is really romantic! *smooching time*

Isaac: Hey, this drawing is of Simone kissing-Peter?!? What???

Mohinder: Time for my closing narration!! Oh, but I guess you're wondering what happened to Claire...

Writers: You knew we couldn't end it without a shocking ending!

Some hospital in Texas

Morgue worker (I forgot the technical name, sorry!): Oh, this poor girl looks really dead. I guess we can start with the autopsy...

Mohinder: As I was saying, evolution can be a real pain. Not that I would know, since the lame writers didn't give me any superpowers....

Claire: Huh? Where am I? HOLY SH-

To be continued...