Heroes Episode 4: Collision

Yes, it took me forver, but here it is, episode 4!


Narrator: I'm back! Sorry, Mohinder, but I get to do the recap...

Mohinder: Fine, then. I'll have more time to prepare my thoughts on evolution...

Narrator:Previously, on Heroes...

Isaac: I can paint the future! But only when I'm high...

Simone: I can't deal with you and your insane ideas and crazy heroin addiction. I'm leaving you for that hot former nurse!

Peter: I can fly! But only when I'm around Nathan...

Hiro: I can stop time, and I have to save New York! But only with my buddy!

Matt: I can read minds, but it's really not as cool as you'd think...

Claire: I'm indestructable, but...I guess there's really no catch, is there?

Narrator: And now...

Mohinder: Questions are much more powerful than answers. Things like, "what's happening?" "who am I?" "Where are we going?"

Fans: What? You've got to be kidding me! Answers are waaaaay more powerful than questions! People only come up with questions because they want a fricking answer!

Mohinder: *sigh* Ok, fine. Answers are powerful, yet they wouldn't exist without questions...

Fans: Much better!

Unknown Location (but probably at that "paper" factory)

Matt:Where am I?

Fans: And where's his shirt? Rule #1 of television and movies is only hot guys get to be shirtless!

HRG: Sorry, we had to drug you and run a bunch of weird experiments.

Matt: Why?

HRG: Mostly to add another plotline and partly to make my character even more mysterious. But that doesn't matter, cuz I'm about to erase your memory anyway!

Matt: What???

HRG: Go deep, and clean him out!

The Hatian: ............

Matt: Go deep? Ack! Where's my rape whistle???

The Hatian: .......

Matt: AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Las Vegas

Hiro: I keep leaving Japanese messages on Isaac's phone. I'm not sure why I don't just have you call him and speak with him in English...

Ando: We'll worry about saving NYC later! I'd rather lose all our money gambling!

Elsewhere in the same hotel

Linderman's secretary: So, Nikki, Linderman will forgive your debt if you sleep with this politician.

Nikki: What? I may strip off my clothes for money, but I'm not a whore yet!

Secretary: Well, we've got a million rabid fangirls lined up for this job, so you better decide quickly...


Some morgue in Texas

Claire: Wow...I died and came back to life after being cut open...there's no way this is gonna end well...

Claire: Take a good look, male fans, it's the most you're ever gonna see...

Male fans: *drool*

Claire: How the heck can a former dead body sneak out of here un-noticed? Oh well, I guess I shouldn't worry about it now...

Morgue worker: OMG! The dead girl dissapeared! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! It's Night of the Living Dead!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Claire: *phew* I made it all the way home with nothing but a lab coat on, and nobody noticed! I'm pretty damn stealthy!!!

Mid-town Manhattan (yup, we're getting even more specific)

Nathan: Well, I'm off to Vegas! Just make sure that nobody finds out I'm visiting a mob boss, ok?

Mohinder: WAIT!!! Mr. Petrelli! Listen to me! Someone's going to kill you!

Nathan: Why would they bother killing me before getting elected?

Mohinder: Not the other party, an evil serial killer who kills people with superpowers!

Nathan: Superpowers? You're not by chance that crazy professor that Peter mentioned, are you?

Mohinder: Oh, sorry! I forgot to introduce myself: I'm Dr. Suresh. Now listen to me, or you're gonna die!

Nathan: Guards, get this loser outta my sight!

Mohinder: What? How could he not listen to my totally logical warnings???

Cinematographer: Now time for some very Spiderman-ish cinematography of NYC before we zoom into Peter's apartment where...

Lower East Side Manhattan

Peter: That was one night I never got when I was still on Gilmore Girls!

Simone: It sure was nice, but I'm still not sure about Isaac...

Nathan: Sorry, I'm gonna have to interrupt you two again...

Peter: Do you just wait for me to have these moments before coming???

Nathan: What do you think you're doing, sending that crazy Indian guy to talk about superpowers with me???

Peter: What??? I didn't send him! But did you think it might help you get the minorities vote?

Nathan: Listen, here's a million bucks. Go dissappear for a bit and find all the answers you want!

Peter: Dissappear? But I haven't even met Claude yet! Now get out of my apartment!

Simone: Listen, Peter, last night was wonderful, but I'm still unsure about Isaac.

Peter: :-( Ok, fine, get everything with him figured out. I wouldn't want him to think I stole you or anything...

Odessa, Texas

Mrs.Bennet: I'm still oblivious to everything that's happening. Now who wants waffles?

HRG: Claire, don't you like waffles? I'll bet you stayed out all night with the quarterback, didn't you?!?

Claire: Well, yes. It's not like we did anything. We...played poker.

HRG: Strip poker?

Claire: I swear, nothing happened! I'm alive, aren't I? Stop worrying.

HRG: Claire, I just want you to be honest. Lying is very wrong! Now, I have to go...sell paper...yeah, that's right...

Brooklyn, NY

Mohinder: I'm still not having any luck figuring out this stupid theory!

Eden: Well, put it away for a sec, and open this package.

Mohinder: It's my father's ashes...give me a moment to look at them and reflect...

Mohinder: You know, I haven't cried at all since his death...

Eden: Huh. Typical!

Mohinder: What???

Eden: Here he comes! Here comes John Wayne! I ain't gonna cry about my pa. I'm gonna build me an airport, and put my name on it. Why, Mohinder? So you can fly away from your feelings?

Mohinder: What the heck are you talking about?? Who the hell is John Wayne??? Is he the American equivalent of Amitabh Bachan?

Eden: Nevermindl AD fans will get it. There are dozens of us! Dozens!

Eden:Just continue your rant about your father...

Mohinder: What the hell am I doing??? Why am I continuing this stupid research???

Eden: Oh no...here we go again!

Mohinder: All I'm doing is wasting my time proving a stupid theory just to try and fix a stupid relationship with my stupid father who hated me for no reason! That's it!!!! I'm giving up and going back to India!

Eden: You're giving up???

Mohinder: Well, I'm probably going to change my mind again sooner or later, but until something ecourages me to do so-

Peter: Hello? I'm looking for Chandra Suresh. I think I might have some of those weird superpowers he was looking for...

Mohinder: Proof for my dad's theory??? Swee--Actually, I'm not going to be convinced so easily this time...

Las Vegas

Ando: Wooohooo!!! I love gambling! We're gonna own this place, Hiro!!

Hiro: What are you talking about??? You've lost everything except that one dollar!

Ando: Don't worry! I know that I'll win this time! *sings* Luck be a lady tonight!!!

Hiro: Forget luck! Time-stopping is way more reliable!!!

Ando: Wooooooooooooohhhhoooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!! I won!!!!!

Hiro: No you didn't! I used my powers for selfish gain!!! I've gone to the dark side!!!!

Ando: Hiro, I'm pretty sure that there's no rule against stopping time! Let's use this!

Hiro: NO!

Ando: C'mon! Is Peter Parker cheating when he takes pictures of Spiderman?

Hiro: How is taking pictures of yourself and selling them for money anything like cheating a casino? But Ok! I'll do it!!!

Elsewhere in Las Vegas

Tina: You're not seeing a weird reflection that does evil things, you're just getting old!

Nikki: If it were just that, I wouldn't randomly black out and then find dead guys in my garage.

Tina: See, now that's what we call Multiple Personality Disorder. Kinda like in that Jim Carrey movie!

Nikki: Which one? I tend to block all his movies from my memory...they're too painful...

Micah: Sorry to interrupt, but it's Scrabble time!

Nikki: Sorry, sweety, but you can play with Tina, she knows lots of words from those romance novels she reads!

Tina: Yeah, those are the only romance I'm getting these days!

Micah: Hmm, I wonder why??

Tina: Ok! Just for that, I'm gonna pwn you at scrabble! C'mon!

Micah: Mom, I'm ok with you stripping in our garage, but you doing it in front of an actual person is wrong on so many levels...

Nikki: Maybe it is to you, but not to the male viewers...

NYC

Eden: Well, this guy is either insane, or he can actually fly. Well, I got to go, have fun testing your dad's theory!

Mohinder: So...you can fly, but only with your brother, and you can paint the future, but only with the troubled artist?

Peter: Exactly! I have some sort of copying power. Kinda like Rogue from X-men! Not that we're similar enough to say I'm a rip-off, though.

Mohinder: You should really be talking to my father, since this is his totally lame research. Unfortunately he hasn't been reincarnated yet...

Peter: But you believed it this morning! And the first episode! And the third episode! Can't I make you change your mind again?

Mohinder: Only if you actually give me valid proof instead of another weird finding...

Peter: Well, my brother conveniently went off to Vegas when I need him, so I'll take you to the crazy painter!

Elsewhere in NYC

Simone: Isaac, I have to sell all of your prophetic paintings.

Isaac: NO! I need them to save the world! And why were you kissing Peter???

Simone: How do you know about that?

Isaac: I drew it 7 weeks ago!

Simone: If you drew it that long ago, why didn't you think it was odd at all to draw a picture of me kissing some guy you don't know??

Isaac: That doesn't matter now! All that matters is that we don't know how we feel about each other, and that New York is going to explode! And I'm going to stop it!!

Fans: How exactly can he stop it if all he can do is paint it?

Odessa

Claire: I was almost raped, then I died, then I was cut open, then I came back to life. But don't tell anybody, ok?

Zach: Are you crazy? You can't let that evil jock go around raping people!

Claire: I'm not going to tell anyone about it! When will you learn that this is a TV show, and I have to make idiotic choices for the sake of cool action scenes?

Brody: Claire??? Um...how nice to see you...alive. I gotta go!

Las Vegas

Hiro: It's a good idea to change that other guy's cards after he's looked at them, isn't it?

Ando: Yeah, I see no problem with it!

Nikki: Oh, I'm sorry! I just bumped into you and ruined my Celine Dion ticket!

Nathan: Celine Dion??? You must be pretty lonely and miserable!

Nikki: Yeah, I am. I wouldn't mind having a cute, already-married-with-children politician to snuggle with!

Nathan: Hm...that kinda goes against my whole, "Family Man" thing, but ok!

A subway in NYC

Peter: Before we go see Isaac, I should probably mention that he's a bit of a drug addict.

Mohinder: Really? So what drug are you addicted to, Peter? Cuz you definitely don't seem super yet!

Peter: So why did you believe in your dad's research before???

Mohinder: I had no choice! Sons are suppossed to believe their father's work!

Peter: That's not true! What about....um...oh! That little dancing penguin from Happy Feet! He kept on dancing even though his dad wanted him to sing!

Mohinder: Well, I prefer to base all of my ideas off of evolution, not CGI penguins. Evolution says that each generation will be a slightly varied version of the previous one.

Peter: So then how come I'm not half as annoying as my mom or Nathan?

Mohinder: I don't know, I guess you just happen to be this generation's dancing penguin...

elsewhere in NYC

Isaac: Ok, it's future painting time!

future

Claire: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Help! I'm gonna die!!!!!

Isaac: Hmm.....this could lead to some interesting catchphrases for this show...

Present

Peter: Hello? Isaac? Are you there? I need to proove to this scientist that I can copy people's abilities!

Isaac: Sorry, to busy saving the world here!

Mohinder: Thanks for wasting my time, buddy! I knew my father was an idiot, just like you!

Oddessa

Claire: Hey, Lori, what's up?

Lori: So, I couldn't help but notice that you went off with Brody the other night. I'm also too cowardly to tell any authorities about it...

Claire: Hm...this looks like a job for Indestructible Cheerleader!!!

Las Vegas

Hiro: Ando, we're not supossed to be wasting our time gambling! We've got to save the world!

Ando: And why can't we do it in style? James Bond does!

Security guards: Sorry, time-stoppers are not allowed in this hotel!

Southern Gambler guy: You somehow switched my cards! You'll pay for that!

Ando: No way! My friend will totally kick your-

Hiro: *KO'ed*

Ando: At times like this, I really wish I'd learned karate...

Elsewhere in Vegas

Nikki: Isn't the view from this room amazing?

Nathan: Yeah. Don't you just wish you could fly?

Nikki: Do you wish you had an alternate personality?

Nathan: No, not really...

Nikki: Neither do I, but flying sounds pretty cool.

Nathan: I'm surprised your husband let's you travel alone.

Nikki: Well, he's a convicted criminal, but he doesn't worry about me running into hot congressmen!

Nathan: Any kids?

Nikki: Yeah, one really annoying yet adorable child prodigy.

Nathan: I got two boys, but I don't think they're making an appearrance anytime soon...

Nikki: Having a kid makes me sometimes wish I could be two people...like, a caring mother and a sexy web-stripper at the same time. You know the feeling?

Nathan: No, but I think I can imagine...

Nikki: So, Nathan, are you happy with your wife...

Nathan: Well, she's sorta parylized from the waist down, but yes.

Nikki: Well, I guess that means that we can't do any-

Nathan: I said she's parylized from the waist down. Did you not understand that? *smooch*

Nikki: No! Nathan, I can't do this! I'm sorry! I have to leave...

Nathan: Damn! C'mon, I haven't had any for 6 whole months!!!

Thug: You'd better sleep with that politician, or Linderman will have to kill you!

Nikki: I can't!

Jessica: But I can!!! But I have to beat you into submission first!

Thug: *owned*

Jessica: I'm baaack!

Nathan: Sweet!!!! So I guess this is where the show cuts to some other location?

Jessica: Nah, I gotta please the male viewers for a little first...

Linderman *watching from the security camera*: Dude, this is way better than that weird Jim Carrey movie I rented last night!!!

A Subway in NYC

Mohinder: Look, I don't know what exactly is wrong with you, but I'm a geneticist, not a frickin psychiatrist, ok??? Now don't come to me with your crazy ideas any- *freeze*

Peter: Mohinder? Hello?? Damn you audience and your Tivos! Who hit the pause button?!?

Elsewhere in NYC


Isaac: Ok! Time to take a look at my world-saving paintings. Hm...a cheerleader, Peter being attacked by flying lockers, and some Japanese guys in front of a blood soaked banner. How does this help at all?!?


Odessa


Claire: Yoohoo, Brody! Can I drive your car home??


Brody: Ok, I don't see why not...


in Brody's car


Claire: Wooooo!!! Let's burn rubber, baby!!


Brody: Whoa, Claire! Slow down! You're freaking me out!!


Claire: Well, you didn't listen when I told you that the other night, did you?!?


Brody: What are you talking about? You forced me, not the other way around!


Claire: Are you calling me a slut???


Brody: Duh, and there's nothing you can do about it!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!


Claire: Not true! *super big car crash*


Las Vegas


HRG: No, it's not odd that I'm staring at two people in bed!


The Hatian: .............


HRG: Just take one, but don't let the fans find out which one I mean yet!


Time-stopped Subway in NYC


Peter: Ok, this is really really freaking me out now!

Future Hiro: Hello, Peter. I'm bad-ass, sword-wielding, leather clad, accent-less, futre Hiro Nakumara! You look different without your scar!

Peter: Scar??? What scar???

Future Hiro: Nevermind, I mostly said it to get some fan speculation going. Anyway, I have a message for you...

Peter: Ok, so what is it?

Future Hiro: Well, I'm not going to tell you now. It'll be more suspenseful if we wait until next week's episode.

Fans: ACK!!!! Why can't we have time travelling abilities?!?!?!?

to be continued...