Heroes Episode 5: Hiros

Mohinder: When change occurs, species sometimes decide to migrate...

Peter: How are you narrating?? I thought you were frozen!

Mohinder: I have the ability to narrate no matter where I am!

Future Hiro: Don't worry about him, I've got to tell you the important message that the fans have all waited a week to hear! Now, I don't have much time, but I'm going to stall for a bit anyway...

Peter: So... where'd you park your Delorien?

Future Hiro: I don't need any weird 80's cars or flux capacitors! So here's my message; Save the girl. You have to save her to prevent it!

Peter: To prevent what?

Future Hiro: Why would I tell you that now?

Peter: It could be useful so that Mohinder and Nathan don't think I'm crazy.

Future Hiro: Oh, don't worry about them! Just listen to my really abstract message: Save the Cheerleader, Save the World! Get used to hearing it, fans!

Fans: We waited a whole week to hear that?!? C'mon!

Peter: But can't you at least tell me which cheerleader and when and where???

Future Hiro: No, we've got to let Isaac do something useful. Also, don't forget to tell me about the message when I call later.

Peter: Can't you just do that yourself?

Future Hiro: No, you have to be the one we need! In the future, you tell me all about how your life sucks- make yourself useful now! Besides, if I told my past self on my own, it'd probably cause a rift!

Peter: And telling me all about how I'm depressed in the future won't?

Future Hiro: You obviously haven't watched enough Star Trek to understand time travel! But I'd better go back to my own time now... *time un-stopped!*

Peter: WAIT!!! Your cryptic instructions make no sense!!! Come back, Hiro!

Subway passenger: Funny how we don't find that long haired freak's screaming strange at all...

Mohinder: Wow, you just bring crazy to a whole new level, don't you?

a hospital in Odessa, Texas

Claire: I don't need to go to the ER! Just let me go home!

Doctor: You were driving, and yet you don't seem badly injured at all! Whatever, makes my job easier!

Brody: You came out of that accident with hardly any injury? You freak!

Claire: Why the hell are you still conscious?!?

Las Vegas

Nathan: If you guys wanted to kidnap me, couldn't you have at least let me put my shirt on?

HRG: It's not me, this is just to make it up to the fangirls who had to see shirtless Matt in the last episode!

Nathan: Listen, guys, I have money! I'll give you a million dollars if you don't kidnap me!

HRG: Money won't help you this time, Petrelli! Now all we're going to do is drug and test you!

Nathan: Not if I use my really useful escape power! *flies away*

Fans: OMGWTF how did his powers work if the Hatian was there?!?!? PLOT HOLE!!!!!

HRG: Whoa...he just broke the sound barrier! Shouldn't there have been a sonic boom?

Random citizen: Look! It's a bird!

Other citizen: It's a plane!

Other other citizen: It's...a half-naked politician?

Nathan's hotel room, Las Vegas

Nikki: Oh great, I'm in some place where I don't know where I am again...

Body guard: Where's Mr.Petrelli???

Nikki: Who?

Body guard: Oh, come on! At least I remember all the names of the guys I sleep with!

Secretary: Don't worry about him, the hotel security will find him!

Nikki: What's going on??? I didn't sleep with anyone!

Secretary: I reviewed the tape. It was the best thing I've seen on TV in a while!

A subway on NYC

Peter: I'm telling you! A super bad-ass totally awesome Japanese guy with a sword told me about the future!

Mohinder: Someone's been watching too much anime...

Peter: And then he told me that we have to go save a cheerleader!

Mohinder: Save a cheerleader? Are they making another Bring it On movie?

Peter: Listen, if this is all fake, I'll personally drive you to the airport so you can go back to India!

Mohinder: Why don't you fly me there yourself?

Fans: Yo, would you like an ice pack? Cuz you just got burned!

Peter: Wow, I just totally got served. And by a nerdy geneticist, too!

LA, California

Janice: Where the heck is my husband?!?!?

Matt: Ugh...this is like, the worst hangover ever...

Janice: Where have you been?!?! You've been missing for a day! And why did the chief tell me you're with the FBI?

Matt: Well, I was going to tell you, but if I remember correctly, you were mad at me for no reason, and...

Janice: Oh, blame everything on me! Do you have any clue how worried I was?

Matt: I didn't think you cared about me...

Janice: *thinking* of course I do! Does the fact that I ignore and yell at you make it seem otherwise?

Matt: Sweet! I can use this power to find out exactly what my wife wants! I can be just like Mel Gibson- but without all the anti-semitism!

Outside Las Vegas, Nevada

Hiro: It sure was nice of those mobsters to throw us right near this diner!

Ando: You and I are no longer talking!

Hiro: Great, I bet they have waffles!

Ando: Let me repeat that: you and I are no longer talking! Well, except that. And that...

Hiro: Well, this is all because we were using my powers for personal gain! See, now you and I won't become the next Darth Vader.

Ando: Shut up! This is all your fault! I got beaten up, and now my jaw is clicking! I'm in a foreign country, and my jaw is clicking, and I'm stuck with you! That's it! I'm leaving.

Hiro: Fine! I don't need a translator! I'm sure plenty of Americans know Japanese! I mean, considering all the trade they do with us, there should be a million of them!

Ando: Fine! I'm leaving! Don't expect any help to fly in!

Hiro: Hey, what's that in the sky?!? OMG! It's a flying congressman! *is amazed*

Nathan: Can someone please give me a shirt? I think the fan girls have already drooled enough!

Waitress: So does the "no shirt, no shoes, no service" rule not apply if the guy is buying a shirt??

Hiro: OMG! Flying men are sooo awesome!!!

Nathan: OK, my shirt's back on! Quit staring!

Hiro: But I have to act amazed everytime I see you! And make cool sound effects!

Nathan: Cool sound effects?

Hiro: NYC is going to go KABOOM!!!

Nathan: Not so loud!

Hiro: kaboom!

Nathan: Hey, this would make a good running joke!

Hiro: Can you give me a ride-o?

Nathan: Well, it's usually against my policy to be nice to anyone, but you're just too cute! Ok!

LA

Matt: My annoying power is finally being beneficial! I'll bet every husband wishes they were me!

Janice: Why aren't you at work?

Matt: I'm going to prove to you that I'm not stupid and lazy! Now let's both skip work!

Janice: Ok!

scene

HRG: So you're mother told me you lost control of the car, and sped 90mph into a wall.

Claire: Well, at the moment I trust you more than my ditzy mother, so I'm gonna tell you what really happened...

HRG: Good. Of course you can trust me!

Claire: Well, I tried to kill Brody to stop him from raping innocent girls. But don't tell anyone, ok?

HRG: Don't worry, nobody will remember anything.

Manhattan, NYC

Isaac: Great, now I'm depressed, drugless, and girlfriendless...

Peter: Isaac! You have to help me find answers!

Isaac: Haven't you learned by now that all the "answers" on this show are just more questions? I can't help you!

Peter: Yes you can! You've conveniently painted the cheerleader I'm suppossed to save!!!

Las Vegas

Hiro: Thanks for the ride! Now I can drive away in my splendid Nissan! Oh wait...I don't know how to drive American cars...maybe we should've rented a Toyota...

NBC Execs: Hey! No mentioning things that don't give us money!

elsewhere...

Nathan: You! What the heck did you do to me?!?

Nikki: Well, basically, I was blackmailed into sleeping with you...

Nathan: What?!? You slept with me only because of blackmail?!? How could anyone not want to sleep with me?!?

scene

Matt: Guess what? I got that wine you like, that salad you like, your favorite song, and everything you could possibly imagine in a perfect dinner!

Janice: Wow! I don't know what to say!

Matt: How about "you're the greatest husband ever?"

Janice: Um...I was thinking more like, "are you having an affair?" Not that I would have any idea of how someone having one acts...

Matt: WHAT??? Jeez, even with mindreading powers, women's minds make no sense!

Janice: Ok, whatever. Let's forget the dinner and go make TV-14 allowed love!

Matt: Whoa, how did I not hear that one?!? I mean, ok!

scene

Odessa, Texas

HRG: Hello, Brody. Ignore the creepy music, I'm not going to hurt you...

Brody: Ack! You're that freak's father! I'm gonna sue you, since I've got so much evidence against Claire to use!

HRG: You're twice the freak my daughter is! Now, I should kill you and let the fans know how hell bent I am on protecting Claire. However, the writer's have decided to save all the totally bad-ass stuff for later in the season. So, let's say we conviently forget the whole thing.

Brody: What?!?

HRG: And for my next trick, I can make a scary mute black guy appear from behind this curtain!

The Hatian: .........

Brody: Aaahh! Where's my rape whistle?!?

scene

NYC

Peter: Look! All these paintings of your's conveniently line up to form some kind of super large comic! So what happens next?

Isaac: How should I know? I was high!

Peter: But, you painted all of these! You have to know something!

Isaac: I don't, I was high!

Peter: Hey, I bet that this is the cheerleader I have to save! Your character actually does serve a purpose on this show!

Isaac: Whatever, I was high!

Peter: That's just your excuse for everything, isn't it?!?

Isaac: What'd you say? I was thinking too much about being high!

Peter: Oh, forget it! Maybe if I stare at this half finished canvas long enough, I'll somehow figure it out...hey! It worked!

Isaac: What??? But you're not high! And you can't paint!

Peter: Apparently, I can absorbed both your artistic talent and your superpower. Cuz we all know that artistic talent is part of your DNA...

Isaac: Whoa! Do I look like some sort of rabid squirrel when I'm painting too? Or is it just a combo of the glazed-white eyes and the emo haircut that do it for you?

Peter: Hey, guess what? Now that I have your ability, and I can do it when I'm sober, your character is totally pointless again!

A hospital in Odessa

Claire: Brody, I came to apologize for what I did. My Dad didn't raise me to hurt people who do wrong things...

Brody: Who are you and why are you talking to me?

Claire: Brody, it's me! You know, the indestructable cheerleader you tried to rape?

Brody: Hmm....not ringing any bells...and who is this "Brody" you speak of?

Claire: *is freaked out*

Nikki's home, Las Vegas

Nikki: Wow...that was one trip to Vegas I really hope I do forget...

Cops: Don't worry, we're the good cops! We just wanna make sure you haven't had any contact with your criminal husband!

Micah: Haven't you people figured out yet that minorities in this show are NOT the bad guys??? My dad is innocent!

Nikki: No he's not! He's evil, keep him out of my house!

Cops: Hey, the music speeded up! That means something intense is about to happen!

Ando: Konichiwa, my lovely internet stripper! I bet you didn't expect the comic relief here!

scene

Nathan: This hotel seriously has the worst security ever!

Secretary: Well, just keep it in mind when Mr. Linderman comes calling. We're trying to set him up to be really evil and mysterious...

Nathan: Dammit, I should have just stayed at the Mirage! Or maybe Excalibur, since it's got all those cool knights and wizards...

Secretary: Don't worry, in exchange for the whole threatening tape thing, we'll let you stay for free.

Nathan: I've got a better idea: It's called, "I throw around tons of money and the problem goes away..."

scene

Los Angeles

Matt: Sweet! That was the best dinner, ever!

Janice: Oh, you know what'd I'd love right now?

Matt: Coffee ice cream! So that's what you always crave right after! I'll go get some!

in the store...

Matt: Wow, this super power really is wonderful! Well, except for all this annoying white noise from all the thoughts I'm hearing...

Thief: Hm...I'm somewhat hesitant about robbing this store...

Matt: And now I can use my power to save a troubled youth! Put down the gun, kid! Don't throw your life away! You have the opportunity to become a loser cop like me!

Theif: Ok, fine. I'll just leave my gun on this shelf, then.

Matt: Cool! I'll just take this with me!! Hey, why is everyone thinking about freaking out? Hard drive overload!!!! *faints*

Las Vegas

Nikki: Listen, buddy, it's been great stripping for you online, but I don't do it in person...you want my weird alter-ego for that!

Ando: I thought that since you're so good about stripping for me online, I could depend on you in case I got stranded in America...

Nikki: I'm sorry, but it doesn't work that way!

Cops: Should we arrest him?

Nikki: Nah, I can't arrest my best costumer! Besides, nothing bad happens to minorities in this show!

Ando: I get this feeling that you may have lost me anyway! Well, sayonara...

Cops: We're gonna leave too, we can't be around when you're reunited with your husband!

DL: I'm already here! But in order to add suspense, I won't actually do anything 'till next week!

Elsewhere in Las Vegas...

Hiro: Nissan Versa's are great, but they suck without someone who can drive them...

Ando: It's time for us to be reunited!!!!

Hiro: I thought we don't like each other anymore...

Ando: How can anyone not like you? Besides, I learned that best friends are much more helpful than internet strippers. It's a lesson the whole of America should learn...

Hiro: Awww, BIG HUG!!!!

Isaac's apartment, NYC

Peter: Wow, I should just give up being a hero and become a professional artist!

Isaac: This girl you somehow painted! We have to save her!

Peter: Oh, and what are you gonna do? Use your oh-so-powerful painting?

Isaac: Stop making my character seem pointless! At least that weird japanese guy who keeps calling me likes me! He's calling again right now!

Peter: Weird Japanese guy?!? OMG!!!! Give me the phone!!

Hiro: *on phone* Hello! I'm cute, chubby, nerdy, Nissan riding Hiro Nakamura!

Peter: I'm Peter! I have a message for you!

Hiro: Ok, so what is it?

Peter: Sorry, I have to get my revenge and make you and the fans wait a week to hear it...

Ando: But, haven't the fans already heard it? You may as well tell us now!

Peter: We have to end it dramatically somehow!

to be continued