Just Another Frog-- my blog of randomness (and abridged TV scripts)

Heroes 2.1: Four Months Later

2007-09-26T13:35:00.000-05:00

Well, I've given up with season 1 until I can get enough money for the DVD. In the meanwhile, here's Season 2!

Mohinder: I'm sure that all you fans missed my narrating skills, didn't you?

Mohinder: Now, let's recap last season and introduce new characters while I discuss nature and stuff...

Mohinder's Lecture, (did they show the location??)

Mohinder: My father's crazy theory isn't just a theory anymore! I've seen the super heroes- and as if having a crazy company and murderer go after them isn't enough, NOW they've got a deadly virus to worry about!

Audience: *snore*

Mohinder: Allowing this virus to exist will kill them all, and prevent the evolution of our species!

Audience member: But...wouldn't allowing the virus to kill them just be allowing natural selection to work? If they're not fit to survive the virus, and normal people are, then--

Mohinder: No further questions, I guess!!! We're all done here!

Company guy: Hey, Dr. Suresh, I love your lectures so much, I want live those days you made them over and over again!

Mohinder: Time to please my fangirls by being a total bad-ass! * pins guy to wall *

Company Guy: Listen to me! Everyone thinks you're crazy! The only way you can save the special people is if you come work for our creepy company!

san cristobal, Honduras

Alejandro: I bet you don't recognize us!

Maya: We decided the show wasn't diverse enough, so we need some Hispanic people!

Alejandro: Yeah, and of course, we have to be stereotypical Hispanics who have to illegally get into the US...

Maya: Alejandro, I'm tired of running! Do we really have to?

Alejandro: Well, nothing can be said for sure, but you're deadly power is probably going to be this year's "evil deadly power that a poor, innocent person has," so, yes, we have to!

Costa Verde, California

Claire: All the electives are filled up! This SUCKS!

HRG: After all that you've been through, you whine about stupid high school electives?? What's wrong with you??

Claire: You're right- how pathetic is it that my story's gone from being totally awesome to being a stereotypical high-schooler misfit?

HRG: Well, it doesn't matter, you just need to be safe and fit in so that The Company doesn't find us, ok?

Claire: Ok. So, I was thinking, the fans must have missed all the Nissan product placement....

HRG: You're right, that's why I'm giving you your birthday present early!

Claire: OMG, a Nissan Rogue! The car that every teenage girl wants to have? Oh, it's so wonderful! I love you, Dad!

West: Whoa, a new student! I should stalk her.

Outside Kyoto, Japan, 1671

Hiro: Whoa...I'm getting deja voue...didn't I do this scene already?

Eclipse: Here's even more deja voue for you! Remember me?

Warriors: Prepare to die, Kensei!!!

Hiro: Kensei??? My HERO???? OMG! Even though I should probably know not to screw things up in the past, I'm going to anyway! * teleport*

Matt Parkman, Manhattan

Matt: Time for a super intense cop scene! Good thing I can finally use my mind-reading to HELP with my policing!

Detective: Oooh, tricked you, fans! It was just a detective test!

Matt: Thanks to super powers, I FINALLY passed the stupid detective test! Hooray!

Costa Verde, California- in Claire's High School

Teacher: Welcome to chemistry class. Now, turn on your bunsen burners, and don't be dumb enough to stick your hand it it.

Claire: Ooooh, that sounds like fun. Let me try!

West: Whoa, girls who touch fire are hot! Haha, get it? Hot!

Claire: I was just....checking how hot it was.

West: Right, sure. So, I thought it was kinda cute the way you almost got hit by my lame, non-Nissan car. I'm West.

Claire: West? What kind of name is that? Who names their kid after a direction?

West: They do.

Claire: Um, who?

West: You know. Them. Are you one of them?

Claire: *thinking* OMG HE KNOWS ABOUT ME I'M IN SO MUCH FRICKING TROUBLE!

West: Well, are you an alien, or a robot?

Claire: Oh, phew! He doesn't know anything- he's just one of those lame, crazy outcast kids who thinks he's awesome cuz he so different!

Teacher: Even though this is clearly a chemistry course, let's talk about Darwin, since he's so cool and relevent to this show.

Kids: Who the heck is Darwin? We're all creationists- even though we're from California

Claire: It's sooo depressing that I can't answer this question. I'll just quietly write it in my notebook...

Honduras- in some creepy looking jungle in the middle of the night

Truck driver 1: I'll take you 600 miles from the US border for the low, low price of 20000 Limpiras!

Truck driver 2: Doesn't this beard make me look just like Fidel Castro?

Alejandro: Fine, we'll pay your overpriced amount. We're desperate!

Truck driver: Oooh, actually, I don't just want money, I want money, and I want to rape your sister.

Alejandro: No way, Jose! She's staying with ME!

Truck driver 2: Fine, but this is gonna cost you later, loser!

New York

Teacher: Mr.Parkman, I'm starting to get a little worried about Molly's....upbringing.

Matt: Well, what do you want me to do??? Mohinder's always away giving lectures about super powered humans, and I'm stuck all alone taking care of her!

Teacher: Well, mostly I'm concerned about the nightmare's she's having. And these freaky pictures of hers...

Elsewhere in Manhattan

Ando: Hiro's gone, but at least I've got this awesome new hairstyle!

Kaito: I can't give up on Hiro now. I've always hated him, but now I realize that he's the only character on this show that got an emmy nod, so I should wait and hand down my legacy.

Ando: Wait, sir, this picture with that weird symbol that pops up everywhere fell out of your paper!

Kaito: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I'm GONNA DIE!!!

Peter's Apartment, NYC

Nathan: Somehow, I survived carrying my radioactive brother into the stratosphere, but I've become a drunken wreck- hence the large beard

Angela: Nathan, Peter's dead, get over it!

Nathan: He's not dead! They would never kill off someone with as much fangirl appeal as Peter!

Angela: If you had listened to my plan, you'd still have everything! Well, except for a large chunk of NYC, but that's besides the point!

Nathan: Shut up, you evil old hag! Get out of Peter's apartment!

Angela: Fine! Hey- what's this picture of me with a bloody sign on? OMG!

Japan, 1671

Hiro: We couldn't have a season premiere without my catchphrase- YATAAAAAA! I saved Kensei!

japanese guy: Except that I'm not Kensei, you idiot! *runs*

Hiro: Not Kensei? But then....

Kensei: Don't move, or I'll shoot you with my scary crossbow!

Hiro: OMG!! You're Kensei! *fanboy squeal*

Kensei: Who the bloody hell are you?

Hiro: You're biggest fan, ever! I know all about how great and wonderful you are!

Kensei: Let me take this mask off, it's getting uncomfortable

Hiro : WHAT??? My ancient Japanese hero is a frickin WHITE GUY??? Your awesomeness dropped like, 500000 points right there!

Costa Verde, California

HRG: I've gone from working for a mysterious bad-ass company to working for an actual ass

Boss: I'm the boss from hell! I don't care about your daughter- there are way too many ink cartridges left unpacked! Get to work, slave!

HRG: Hmm...maybe working for an evil company was better...

Boss: Paper is serious business! The fate of the world depends on how this paper is packed, printed on, and used!

wherever the heck Mohinder is, The world

Company guy: So, our company was formed in order to protect the super-people. We either teach them to use their powers for good, or sometimes have to kill them for the good of mankind.

Mohinder: WTF? You guys don't have a right to decide who lives and dies!

Co. Guy: Says the man who made a totally pathetic attempt to kill Sylar!

Mohinder: That doesn't count! He was an evil murderer!

Co. Guy: Well, now you and Parkman are protecting Molly...that's really going to cause trouble for you

Mohinder: Say anything about the kind of fanfiction that will spawn, and I'm gonna have to kill you.

Co. Guy: Well, you should come work for us so that you can study that virus you talked about.

Mohinder: No way, it'll be too expensive for your filthy underground company!

Co. Guy: No it won't, we have alchemy on our side! *turns spoon to gold*

Mohinder: Whoa! Do you have the Philosopher's Stone??? What the heck do we need the research for then?

Co. Guy: What?

Mohinder: Um...never mind...

New York, Mohinder's Apartment

Matt: Pizza time!

Molly: Unlike most kids, I want to eat things other than pizza. When's Mohinder gonna come back and make those delicious samosas?

Matt: Look, we need to talk.

Molly: About your detectives exam? I know that you cheated and read people's minds.

Matt: Using my ability isn't cheating. Haven't you seen The Incredibles? I'm just using my talent to get ahead.

Molly: You're a filthy little cheater, Matt!

Matt: Anyway, let's talk about your creepy drawings!

Molly: No way! I'm eating in my room!

Matt: Jeez, she's not even a teenager yet, and she's already angsty. I probably should have just read her mind for answers...

Somewhere in a creepy jungle in Hondurs

Maya: Once we get to America, I'm sure that this Indian guy will be able to cure me!

Alejandro: Yes, of course he will, because knowing the cause of things means that there's a cure. Hence why we have cures for cancer and aids...

Truck driver 1: We decided to stop because you two didn't pay enough. It was only 10000 if we DID get to rape your sister!

Truck driver 2: Yeah, so we're leaving you in the jungle and taking your sister. We're sure this'll end well!

Costa Verde High School

Claire: This sucks- I have to watch all those bitchy cheerleaders while I'm stuck playing badminton! The loser's version of tennis of all things!

Martha: Stupid slippery gym floor! *slips*

Cheerleader: Hey, remember Jackie? I'm twice the evil bitch she was! I'm going to taunt Martha...

Claire: Yeah, you do that while I go talk to my obvious love-interest.

West: Here's your birdie. Btw, you're a robot.

Claire: You can't figure out people just by seeing one incident, genius. Now leave me alone.

Cheerleader: We're still tormenting Martha. We want her to do a backflip off the tower so we can taunt her more.

Claire: sarcasm Oooh! You can do a back flip! Wow, you're just queen of the world, aren't you?? I can do a backflip just as easily as all you losers!

Cheerleaders: Really? Then do one!

Claire: Actually, come to think of it, having the whole school watch me do a backflip is probably not what Dad meant when he said, "don't let anyone notice you"

West: Yup...she's definitely a robot. A frickin hot robot, but still a robot...

NYC

Matt: Ok, now that she's asleep, I'll see what these nightmares are all about!

Molly: *dreaming* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! DON"T HURT ME!!! AAAAH!!! *wakes up*

Matt: Don't worry, it was just a dream! Well, probably not really, but we'll say it was for now.

Molly: Don't try to find him, Matt! He'll KILL you!

Matt: Oh don't worry, they won't kill off-

Molly: If you were going to use the "fangirl appeal" excuse, don't bother- it doesn't work for you.

Costa Verde High School

Claire: Injuring myself when nobody's here is fun! *backflip*

Claire: Ouch! For some reason, breaking my leg just now really hurt- even though I usually don't feel any pain...

West: Hey, robot, why are you still here???

Copy Kingdom

HRG: Ahh, nothing like a nice, long break and a hot cop of coffee...

Boss: What the hell are you doing?? Your break is over! Get to work!

HRG: Now it's time to do the one thing every worker in America has wanted to do... *totally pwns boss*

Fans: Yeah, this is a great way to not attract attention...

HRG: Now, listen up, you little bitch. I'm gonna take long breaks, show up to work late, and do everything else every American dreams of doing at work. And you're not going to say anything, got it?

Boss: yes!! ack!

HRG: Good! Now say, "who's your daddy!" C'mon, say it!

Japan, 1671

Hiro: I can't believe this! A famed Japanese hero turns out to be a Gaijin?? I refuse to believe this!

Kensei: Yeah, I just came up with the name Kensei on the way hear from England!

Hiro: (in english) You're English! I learned that language last season!

Fans: Well, duh, of course he's English. Didn't those Brits own pretty much everything

Kensei: Well, that's bloody excellent! Now I can talk with this bloody fake accent so that fans won't have to bother reading those subtitles!

Hiro: This makes no sense! You're supposed to be all heroic! You're supposed to have the beautiful swordsmith's daughter fall for you, and you're supposed to save Otsu!

Kensei: It seems a tad late for that....

Hiro: Ack! What have I done??

NYC, on the roof of Isaac's apartment

Kaito: Ando, I'm going to die...and I can't say how or by who...it's too early in the season. But I want you to leave for your own safety.

Ando: No! I'm going to be loyal like Hiro and help you!

Kaito: Ok, fine. If you want to help...go search NYC for a good sword.

Ando: OK!

Kaito: Wow...can you say gullible?

Angella: Kaito, we need to have a vague conversation about our impending deaths and the group we seem to have had in the past.

Kaito: Obviously, we're marked for death as revenge for people we killed. I tried to redeem myself by helping my son with his quest. And what did you do? You decided to let your son explode!

Angella: Why you! *slap*

Japan, 1671

Hiro: OMG...I've messed up the future! Why didn't I pay more attention when we read A Sound of Thunder in High School?

Kensei: Meh, whatever.

Hiro: But you're supossed to save them and marry the swordsmith's daughter!

Swordsmith's Daughter: You suck! I'm taking back my father's sword and never speaking to you again!

Hiro: No!!! Everything is going wrong! You have to save them! You have to be a hero! You-- *punched*

Hiro: Why do people love punching me? *faints*

The Bennet's new house, California

HRG: I sure was able to afford a nice house on a copy store employee's salary, wasn't I?

Ms. Bennet: So...Claire, was school uneventful?

Claire: Um....why, of course it was. I didn't do anything that made the whole school notice me, or anything. And I definitely didn't meet any creepy future love interests.

Ms. Bennet: That's great. Let's talk about Mr. Muggles, now!

HRG: Oh, my phone is ringing. Not that I'm answering any suspicious phone calls anymore...

Mohinder: *on phone* Guess what? Those idiots finally hired me!

HRG: Yes! Now, let's bring this company down!

The creepy jungle, Honduras

Alejandro: I guess it's time for us to finally show my sister's totally lame "power"- everyone on the truck has mysteriously died!

Maya: NO!!! What have I done???

Alejandro: We can't explain exactly what your power is now- it's only the season premiere! Now, let's take this truck full of dead bodies and get the heck out of here!

Claire's bedroom, california

Claire: I'm feeling angsty...I should call my biological father that I hate...

Nathan: Who gave you this number? I don't wanna be bothered by my illegitamate child now!

Claire: Listen, even though I only knew Peter for like, a day, I definitely miss him as much as you, the brother who spent his whole life with him! I just need someone to talk to!

Nathan: About what? Your lame highschool problems? Does it look like I give a--

Claire: But I can't pretend to be someone else! I need to be myself, or I'm going to EXPLODE!

Nathan: ...

Claire: Er...sorry, that was unintended.

Nathan: I can't help you. Deal with this problem on your all while I drink and wallow in my misery.

Claire: (hangs up)

Nathan: Hey, what's this weird, burnt up face in the mirror?

Claire: *sigh*

West: I'm watching Claire in her bedroom using my awesome flying power. That's about as sketchy as my having a power was predictable!

NYC

Kaito: I'm sure that a rooftop is the best place to stand when trying to avoid death...

Hooded figure: .....

Kaito: I never expected it to be you! Too bad none of the fans know who you are!

Ando: Sir! I got the sword, and--ack!

Hooded figure: Let's both take this fall together!

Ando: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Cork, Ireland

Irish gangster: As if that last scene wasn't dramatic enough, we're going to end this premiere with a super big cliffhanger!

Irish gangster 2: And as if Kensei's fake British didn't bother you enough, now you'll have to deal with our fake Irish!

Gangsters: Let's open up the thing full of iPods, cuz this show needs more product placement.

Gangster 3: Hey...there aren't any ipods- it's just a guy who should have an emo haircut, but doesn't!

Gangster 1: I bet he stole the iPods! Die, loser!

Peter: Electric shock attack!

Gangster 2: Who are you???

Peter: I don't know!!!! I'm just here to reassure the fangirls that I'm not dead!

to be continued...

Heroes Episode 5: Hiros

2007-03-22T14:57:00.000-05:00

Mohinder: When change occurs, species sometimes decide to migrate...

Peter: How are you narrating?? I thought you were frozen!

Mohinder: I have the ability to narrate no matter where I am!

Future Hiro: Don't worry about him, I've got to tell you the important message that the fans have all waited a week to hear! Now, I don't have much time, but I'm going to stall for a bit anyway...

Peter: So... where'd you park your Delorien?

Future Hiro: I don't need any weird 80's cars or flux capacitors! So here's my message; Save the girl. You have to save her to prevent it!

Peter: To prevent what?

Future Hiro: Why would I tell you that now?

Peter: It could be useful so that Mohinder and Nathan don't think I'm crazy.

Future Hiro: Oh, don't worry about them! Just listen to my really abstract message: Save the Cheerleader, Save the World! Get used to hearing it, fans!

Fans: We waited a whole week to hear that?!? C'mon!

Peter: But can't you at least tell me which cheerleader and when and where???

Future Hiro: No, we've got to let Isaac do something useful. Also, don't forget to tell me about the message when I call later.

Peter: Can't you just do that yourself?

Future Hiro: No, you have to be the one we need! In the future, you tell me all about how your life sucks- make yourself useful now! Besides, if I told my past self on my own, it'd probably cause a rift!

Peter: And telling me all about how I'm depressed in the future won't?

Future Hiro: You obviously haven't watched enough Star Trek to understand time travel! But I'd better go back to my own time now... *time un-stopped!*

Peter: WAIT!!! Your cryptic instructions make no sense!!! Come back, Hiro!

Subway passenger: Funny how we don't find that long haired freak's screaming strange at all...

Mohinder: Wow, you just bring crazy to a whole new level, don't you?

a hospital in Odessa, Texas

Claire: I don't need to go to the ER! Just let me go home!

Doctor: You were driving, and yet you don't seem badly injured at all! Whatever, makes my job easier!

Brody: You came out of that accident with hardly any injury? You freak!

Claire: Why the hell are you still conscious?!?

Las Vegas

Nathan: If you guys wanted to kidnap me, couldn't you have at least let me put my shirt on?

HRG: It's not me, this is just to make it up to the fangirls who had to see shirtless Matt in the last episode!

Nathan: Listen, guys, I have money! I'll give you a million dollars if you don't kidnap me!

HRG: Money won't help you this time, Petrelli! Now all we're going to do is drug and test you!

Nathan: Not if I use my really useful escape power! *flies away*

Fans: OMGWTF how did his powers work if the Hatian was there?!?!? PLOT HOLE!!!!!

HRG: Whoa...he just broke the sound barrier! Shouldn't there have been a sonic boom?

Random citizen: Look! It's a bird!

Other citizen: It's a plane!

Other other citizen: It's...a half-naked politician?

Nathan's hotel room, Las Vegas

Nikki: Oh great, I'm in some place where I don't know where I am again...

Body guard: Where's Mr.Petrelli???

Nikki: Who?

Body guard: Oh, come on! At least I remember all the names of the guys I sleep with!

Secretary: Don't worry about him, the hotel security will find him!

Nikki: What's going on??? I didn't sleep with anyone!

Secretary: I reviewed the tape. It was the best thing I've seen on TV in a while!

A subway on NYC

Peter: I'm telling you! A super bad-ass totally awesome Japanese guy with a sword told me about the future!

Mohinder: Someone's been watching too much anime...

Peter: And then he told me that we have to go save a cheerleader!

Mohinder: Save a cheerleader? Are they making another Bring it On movie?

Peter: Listen, if this is all fake, I'll personally drive you to the airport so you can go back to India!

Mohinder: Why don't you fly me there yourself?

Fans: Yo, would you like an ice pack? Cuz you just got burned!

Peter: Wow, I just totally got served. And by a nerdy geneticist, too!

LA, California

Janice: Where the heck is my husband?!?!?

Matt: Ugh...this is like, the worst hangover ever...

Janice: Where have you been?!?! You've been missing for a day! And why did the chief tell me you're with the FBI?

Matt: Well, I was going to tell you, but if I remember correctly, you were mad at me for no reason, and...

Janice: Oh, blame everything on me! Do you have any clue how worried I was?

Matt: I didn't think you cared about me...

Janice: *thinking* of course I do! Does the fact that I ignore and yell at you make it seem otherwise?

Matt: Sweet! I can use this power to find out exactly what my wife wants! I can be just like Mel Gibson- but without all the anti-semitism!

Outside Las Vegas, Nevada

Hiro: It sure was nice of those mobsters to throw us right near this diner!

Ando: You and I are no longer talking!

Hiro: Great, I bet they have waffles!

Ando: Let me repeat that: you and I are no longer talking! Well, except that. And that...

Hiro: Well, this is all because we were using my powers for personal gain! See, now you and I won't become the next Darth Vader.

Ando: Shut up! This is all your fault! I got beaten up, and now my jaw is clicking! I'm in a foreign country, and my jaw is clicking, and I'm stuck with you! That's it! I'm leaving.

Hiro: Fine! I don't need a translator! I'm sure plenty of Americans know Japanese! I mean, considering all the trade they do with us, there should be a million of them!

Ando: Fine! I'm leaving! Don't expect any help to fly in!

Hiro: Hey, what's that in the sky?!? OMG! It's a flying congressman! *is amazed*

Nathan: Can someone please give me a shirt? I think the fan girls have already drooled enough!

Waitress: So does the "no shirt, no shoes, no service" rule not apply if the guy is buying a shirt??

Hiro: OMG! Flying men are sooo awesome!!!

Nathan: OK, my shirt's back on! Quit staring!

Hiro: But I have to act amazed everytime I see you! And make cool sound effects!

Nathan: Cool sound effects?

Hiro: NYC is going to go KABOOM!!!

Nathan: Not so loud!

Hiro: kaboom!

Nathan: Hey, this would make a good running joke!

Hiro: Can you give me a ride-o?

Nathan: Well, it's usually against my policy to be nice to anyone, but you're just too cute! Ok!

LA

Matt: My annoying power is finally being beneficial! I'll bet every husband wishes they were me!

Janice: Why aren't you at work?

Matt: I'm going to prove to you that I'm not stupid and lazy! Now let's both skip work!

Janice: Ok!

scene

HRG: So you're mother told me you lost control of the car, and sped 90mph into a wall.

Claire: Well, at the moment I trust you more than my ditzy mother, so I'm gonna tell you what really happened...

HRG: Good. Of course you can trust me!

Claire: Well, I tried to kill Brody to stop him from raping innocent girls. But don't tell anyone, ok?

HRG: Don't worry, nobody will remember anything.

Manhattan, NYC

Isaac: Great, now I'm depressed, drugless, and girlfriendless...

Peter: Isaac! You have to help me find answers!

Isaac: Haven't you learned by now that all the "answers" on this show are just more questions? I can't help you!

Peter: Yes you can! You've conveniently painted the cheerleader I'm suppossed to save!!!

Las Vegas

Hiro: Thanks for the ride! Now I can drive away in my splendid Nissan! Oh wait...I don't know how to drive American cars...maybe we should've rented a Toyota...

NBC Execs: Hey! No mentioning things that don't give us money!

elsewhere...

Nathan: You! What the heck did you do to me?!?

Nikki: Well, basically, I was blackmailed into sleeping with you...

Nathan: What?!? You slept with me only because of blackmail?!? How could anyone not want to sleep with me?!?

scene

Matt: Guess what? I got that wine you like, that salad you like, your favorite song, and everything you could possibly imagine in a perfect dinner!

Janice: Wow! I don't know what to say!

Matt: How about "you're the greatest husband ever?"

Janice: Um...I was thinking more like, "are you having an affair?" Not that I would have any idea of how someone having one acts...

Matt: WHAT??? Jeez, even with mindreading powers, women's minds make no sense!

Janice: Ok, whatever. Let's forget the dinner and go make TV-14 allowed love!

Matt: Whoa, how did I not hear that one?!? I mean, ok!

scene

Odessa, Texas

HRG: Hello, Brody. Ignore the creepy music, I'm not going to hurt you...

Brody: Ack! You're that freak's father! I'm gonna sue you, since I've got so much evidence against Claire to use!

HRG: You're twice the freak my daughter is! Now, I should kill you and let the fans know how hell bent I am on protecting Claire. However, the writer's have decided to save all the totally bad-ass stuff for later in the season. So, let's say we conviently forget the whole thing.

Brody: What?!?

HRG: And for my next trick, I can make a scary mute black guy appear from behind this curtain!

The Hatian: .........

Brody: Aaahh! Where's my rape whistle?!?

scene

NYC

Peter: Look! All these paintings of your's conveniently line up to form some kind of super large comic! So what happens next?

Isaac: How should I know? I was high!

Peter: But, you painted all of these! You have to know something!

Isaac: I don't, I was high!

Peter: Hey, I bet that this is the cheerleader I have to save! Your character actually does serve a purpose on this show!

Isaac: Whatever, I was high!

Peter: That's just your excuse for everything, isn't it?!?

Isaac: What'd you say? I was thinking too much about being high!

Peter: Oh, forget it! Maybe if I stare at this half finished canvas long enough, I'll somehow figure it out...hey! It worked!

Isaac: What??? But you're not high! And you can't paint!

Peter: Apparently, I can absorbed both your artistic talent and your superpower. Cuz we all know that artistic talent is part of your DNA...

Isaac: Whoa! Do I look like some sort of rabid squirrel when I'm painting too? Or is it just a combo of the glazed-white eyes and the emo haircut that do it for you?

Peter: Hey, guess what? Now that I have your ability, and I can do it when I'm sober, your character is totally pointless again!

A hospital in Odessa

Claire: Brody, I came to apologize for what I did. My Dad didn't raise me to hurt people who do wrong things...

Brody: Who are you and why are you talking to me?

Claire: Brody, it's me! You know, the indestructable cheerleader you tried to rape?

Brody: Hmm....not ringing any bells...and who is this "Brody" you speak of?

Claire: *is freaked out*

Nikki's home, Las Vegas

Nikki: Wow...that was one trip to Vegas I really hope I do forget...

Cops: Don't worry, we're the good cops! We just wanna make sure you haven't had any contact with your criminal husband!

Micah: Haven't you people figured out yet that minorities in this show are NOT the bad guys??? My dad is innocent!

Nikki: No he's not! He's evil, keep him out of my house!

Cops: Hey, the music speeded up! That means something intense is about to happen!

Ando: Konichiwa, my lovely internet stripper! I bet you didn't expect the comic relief here!

scene

Nathan: This hotel seriously has the worst security ever!

Secretary: Well, just keep it in mind when Mr. Linderman comes calling. We're trying to set him up to be really evil and mysterious...

Nathan: Dammit, I should have just stayed at the Mirage! Or maybe Excalibur, since it's got all those cool knights and wizards...

Secretary: Don't worry, in exchange for the whole threatening tape thing, we'll let you stay for free.

Nathan: I've got a better idea: It's called, "I throw around tons of money and the problem goes away..."

scene

Los Angeles

Matt: Sweet! That was the best dinner, ever!

Janice: Oh, you know what'd I'd love right now?

Matt: Coffee ice cream! So that's what you always crave right after! I'll go get some!

in the store...

Matt: Wow, this super power really is wonderful! Well, except for all this annoying white noise from all the thoughts I'm hearing...

Thief: Hm...I'm somewhat hesitant about robbing this store...

Matt: And now I can use my power to save a troubled youth! Put down the gun, kid! Don't throw your life away! You have the opportunity to become a loser cop like me!

Theif: Ok, fine. I'll just leave my gun on this shelf, then.

Matt: Cool! I'll just take this with me!! Hey, why is everyone thinking about freaking out? Hard drive overload!!!! *faints*

Las Vegas

Nikki: Listen, buddy, it's been great stripping for you online, but I don't do it in person...you want my weird alter-ego for that!

Ando: I thought that since you're so good about stripping for me online, I could depend on you in case I got stranded in America...

Nikki: I'm sorry, but it doesn't work that way!

Cops: Should we arrest him?

Nikki: Nah, I can't arrest my best costumer! Besides, nothing bad happens to minorities in this show!

Ando: I get this feeling that you may have lost me anyway! Well, sayonara...

Cops: We're gonna leave too, we can't be around when you're reunited with your husband!

DL: I'm already here! But in order to add suspense, I won't actually do anything 'till next week!

Elsewhere in Las Vegas...

Hiro: Nissan Versa's are great, but they suck without someone who can drive them...

Ando: It's time for us to be reunited!!!!

Hiro: I thought we don't like each other anymore...

Ando: How can anyone not like you? Besides, I learned that best friends are much more helpful than internet strippers. It's a lesson the whole of America should learn...

Hiro: Awww, BIG HUG!!!!

Isaac's apartment, NYC

Peter: Wow, I should just give up being a hero and become a professional artist!

Isaac: This girl you somehow painted! We have to save her!

Peter: Oh, and what are you gonna do? Use your oh-so-powerful painting?

Isaac: Stop making my character seem pointless! At least that weird japanese guy who keeps calling me likes me! He's calling again right now!

Peter: Weird Japanese guy?!? OMG!!!! Give me the phone!!

Hiro: *on phone* Hello! I'm cute, chubby, nerdy, Nissan riding Hiro Nakamura!

Peter: I'm Peter! I have a message for you!

Hiro: Ok, so what is it?

Peter: Sorry, I have to get my revenge and make you and the fans wait a week to hear it...

Ando: But, haven't the fans already heard it? You may as well tell us now!

Peter: We have to end it dramatically somehow!

to be continued

Heroes Episode 4: Collision

2007-03-09T00:37:00.000-05:00

Yes, it took me forver, but here it is, episode 4!

Narrator: I'm back! Sorry, Mohinder, but I get to do the recap...

Mohinder: Fine, then. I'll have more time to prepare my thoughts on evolution...

Narrator:Previously, on Heroes...

Isaac: I can paint the future! But only when I'm high...

Simone: I can't deal with you and your insane ideas and crazy heroin addiction. I'm leaving you for that hot former nurse!

Peter: I can fly! But only when I'm around Nathan...

Hiro: I can stop time, and I have to save New York! But only with my buddy!

Matt: I can read minds, but it's really not as cool as you'd think...

Claire: I'm indestructable, but...I guess there's really no catch, is there?

Narrator: And now...

Mohinder: Questions are much more powerful than answers. Things like, "what's happening?" "who am I?" "Where are we going?"

Fans: What? You've got to be kidding me! Answers are waaaaay more powerful than questions! People only come up with questions because they want a fricking answer!

Mohinder: *sigh* Ok, fine. Answers are powerful, yet they wouldn't exist without questions...

Fans: Much better!

Unknown Location (but probably at that "paper" factory)

Matt:Where am I?

Fans: And where's his shirt? Rule #1 of television and movies is only hot guys get to be shirtless!

HRG: Sorry, we had to drug you and run a bunch of weird experiments.

Matt: Why?

HRG: Mostly to add another plotline and partly to make my character even more mysterious. But that doesn't matter, cuz I'm about to erase your memory anyway!

Matt: What???

HRG: Go deep, and clean him out!

The Hatian: ............

Matt: Go deep? Ack! Where's my rape whistle???

The Hatian: .......

Matt: AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Las Vegas

Hiro: I keep leaving Japanese messages on Isaac's phone. I'm not sure why I don't just have you call him and speak with him in English...

Ando: We'll worry about saving NYC later! I'd rather lose all our money gambling!

Elsewhere in the same hotel

Linderman's secretary: So, Nikki, Linderman will forgive your debt if you sleep with this politician.

Nikki: What? I may strip off my clothes for money, but I'm not a whore yet!

Secretary: Well, we've got a million rabid fangirls lined up for this job, so you better decide quickly...

Some morgue in Texas

Claire: Wow...I died and came back to life after being cut open...there's no way this is gonna end well...

Claire: Take a good look, male fans, it's the most you're ever gonna see...

Male fans: *drool*

Claire: How the heck can a former dead body sneak out of here un-noticed? Oh well, I guess I shouldn't worry about it now...

Morgue worker: OMG! The dead girl dissapeared! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! It's Night of the Living Dead!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Claire: *phew* I made it all the way home with nothing but a lab coat on, and nobody noticed! I'm pretty damn stealthy!!!

Mid-town Manhattan (yup, we're getting even more specific)

Nathan: Well, I'm off to Vegas! Just make sure that nobody finds out I'm visiting a mob boss, ok?

Mohinder: WAIT!!! Mr. Petrelli! Listen to me! Someone's going to kill you!

Nathan: Why would they bother killing me before getting elected?

Mohinder: Not the other party, an evil serial killer who kills people with superpowers!

Nathan: Superpowers? You're not by chance that crazy professor that Peter mentioned, are you?

Mohinder: Oh, sorry! I forgot to introduce myself: I'm Dr. Suresh. Now listen to me, or you're gonna die!

Nathan: Guards, get this loser outta my sight!

Mohinder: What? How could he not listen to my totally logical warnings???

Cinematographer: Now time for some very Spiderman-ish cinematography of NYC before we zoom into Peter's apartment where...

Lower East Side Manhattan

Peter: That was one night I never got when I was still on Gilmore Girls!

Simone: It sure was nice, but I'm still not sure about Isaac...

Nathan: Sorry, I'm gonna have to interrupt you two again...

Peter: Do you just wait for me to have these moments before coming???

Nathan: What do you think you're doing, sending that crazy Indian guy to talk about superpowers with me???

Peter: What??? I didn't send him! But did you think it might help you get the minorities vote?

Nathan: Listen, here's a million bucks. Go dissappear for a bit and find all the answers you want!

Peter: Dissappear? But I haven't even met Claude yet! Now get out of my apartment!

Simone: Listen, Peter, last night was wonderful, but I'm still unsure about Isaac.

Peter: :-( Ok, fine, get everything with him figured out. I wouldn't want him to think I stole you or anything...

Odessa, Texas

Mrs.Bennet: I'm still oblivious to everything that's happening. Now who wants waffles?

HRG: Claire, don't you like waffles? I'll bet you stayed out all night with the quarterback, didn't you?!?

Claire: Well, yes. It's not like we did anything. We...played poker.

HRG: Strip poker?

Claire: I swear, nothing happened! I'm alive, aren't I? Stop worrying.

HRG: Claire, I just want you to be honest. Lying is very wrong! Now, I have to go...sell paper...yeah, that's right...

Brooklyn, NY

Mohinder: I'm still not having any luck figuring out this stupid theory!

Eden: Well, put it away for a sec, and open this package.

Mohinder: It's my father's ashes...give me a moment to look at them and reflect...

Mohinder: You know, I haven't cried at all since his death...

Eden: Huh. Typical!

Mohinder: What???

Eden: Here he comes! Here comes John Wayne! I ain't gonna cry about my pa. I'm gonna build me an airport, and put my name on it. Why, Mohinder? So you can fly away from your feelings?

Mohinder: What the heck are you talking about?? Who the hell is John Wayne??? Is he the American equivalent of Amitabh Bachan?

Eden: Nevermindl AD fans will get it. There are dozens of us! Dozens!

Eden:Just continue your rant about your father...

Mohinder: What the hell am I doing??? Why am I continuing this stupid research???

Eden: Oh no...here we go again!

Mohinder: All I'm doing is wasting my time proving a stupid theory just to try and fix a stupid relationship with my stupid father who hated me for no reason! That's it!!!! I'm giving up and going back to India!

Eden: You're giving up???

Mohinder: Well, I'm probably going to change my mind again sooner or later, but until something ecourages me to do so-

Peter: Hello? I'm looking for Chandra Suresh. I think I might have some of those weird superpowers he was looking for...

Mohinder: Proof for my dad's theory??? Swee--Actually, I'm not going to be convinced so easily this time...

Las Vegas

Ando: Wooohooo!!! I love gambling! We're gonna own this place, Hiro!!

Hiro: What are you talking about??? You've lost everything except that one dollar!

Ando: Don't worry! I know that I'll win this time! *sings* Luck be a lady tonight!!!

Hiro: Forget luck! Time-stopping is way more reliable!!!

Ando: Wooooooooooooohhhhoooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!! I won!!!!!

Hiro: No you didn't! I used my powers for selfish gain!!! I've gone to the dark side!!!!

Ando: Hiro, I'm pretty sure that there's no rule against stopping time! Let's use this!

Hiro: NO!

Ando: C'mon! Is Peter Parker cheating when he takes pictures of Spiderman?

Hiro: How is taking pictures of yourself and selling them for money anything like cheating a casino? But Ok! I'll do it!!!

Elsewhere in Las Vegas

Tina: You're not seeing a weird reflection that does evil things, you're just getting old!

Nikki: If it were just that, I wouldn't randomly black out and then find dead guys in my garage.

Tina: See, now that's what we call Multiple Personality Disorder. Kinda like in that Jim Carrey movie!

Nikki: Which one? I tend to block all his movies from my memory...they're too painful...

Micah: Sorry to interrupt, but it's Scrabble time!

Nikki: Sorry, sweety, but you can play with Tina, she knows lots of words from those romance novels she reads!

Tina: Yeah, those are the only romance I'm getting these days!

Micah: Hmm, I wonder why??

Tina: Ok! Just for that, I'm gonna pwn you at scrabble! C'mon!

Micah: Mom, I'm ok with you stripping in our garage, but you doing it in front of an actual person is wrong on so many levels...

Nikki: Maybe it is to you, but not to the male viewers...

NYC

Eden: Well, this guy is either insane, or he can actually fly. Well, I got to go, have fun testing your dad's theory!

Mohinder: So...you can fly, but only with your brother, and you can paint the future, but only with the troubled artist?

Peter: Exactly! I have some sort of copying power. Kinda like Rogue from X-men! Not that we're similar enough to say I'm a rip-off, though.

Mohinder: You should really be talking to my father, since this is his totally lame research. Unfortunately he hasn't been reincarnated yet...

Peter: But you believed it this morning! And the first episode! And the third episode! Can't I make you change your mind again?

Mohinder: Only if you actually give me valid proof instead of another weird finding...

Peter: Well, my brother conveniently went off to Vegas when I need him, so I'll take you to the crazy painter!

Elsewhere in NYC

Simone: Isaac, I have to sell all of your prophetic paintings.

Isaac: NO! I need them to save the world! And why were you kissing Peter???

Simone: How do you know about that?

Isaac: I drew it 7 weeks ago!

Simone: If you drew it that long ago, why didn't you think it was odd at all to draw a picture of me kissing some guy you don't know??

Isaac: That doesn't matter now! All that matters is that we don't know how we feel about each other, and that New York is going to explode! And I'm going to stop it!!

Fans: How exactly can he stop it if all he can do is paint it?

Odessa

Claire: I was almost raped, then I died, then I was cut open, then I came back to life. But don't tell anybody, ok?

Zach: Are you crazy? You can't let that evil jock go around raping people!

Claire: I'm not going to tell anyone about it! When will you learn that this is a TV show, and I have to make idiotic choices for the sake of cool action scenes?

Brody: Claire??? Um...how nice to see you...alive. I gotta go!

Las Vegas

Hiro: It's a good idea to change that other guy's cards after he's looked at them, isn't it?

Ando: Yeah, I see no problem with it!

Nikki: Oh, I'm sorry! I just bumped into you and ruined my Celine Dion ticket!

Nathan: Celine Dion??? You must be pretty lonely and miserable!

Nikki: Yeah, I am. I wouldn't mind having a cute, already-married-with-children politician to snuggle with!

Nathan: Hm...that kinda goes against my whole, "Family Man" thing, but ok!

A subway in NYC

Peter: Before we go see Isaac, I should probably mention that he's a bit of a drug addict.

Mohinder: Really? So what drug are you addicted to, Peter? Cuz you definitely don't seem super yet!

Peter: So why did you believe in your dad's research before???

Mohinder: I had no choice! Sons are suppossed to believe their father's work!

Peter: That's not true! What about....um...oh! That little dancing penguin from Happy Feet! He kept on dancing even though his dad wanted him to sing!

Mohinder: Well, I prefer to base all of my ideas off of evolution, not CGI penguins. Evolution says that each generation will be a slightly varied version of the previous one.

Peter: So then how come I'm not half as annoying as my mom or Nathan?

Mohinder: I don't know, I guess you just happen to be this generation's dancing penguin...

elsewhere in NYC

Isaac: Ok, it's future painting time!

future

Claire: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Help! I'm gonna die!!!!!

Isaac: Hmm.....this could lead to some interesting catchphrases for this show...

Present

Peter: Hello? Isaac? Are you there? I need to proove to this scientist that I can copy people's abilities!

Isaac: Sorry, to busy saving the world here!

Mohinder: Thanks for wasting my time, buddy! I knew my father was an idiot, just like you!

Oddessa

Claire: Hey, Lori, what's up?

Lori: So, I couldn't help but notice that you went off with Brody the other night. I'm also too cowardly to tell any authorities about it...

Claire: Hm...this looks like a job for Indestructible Cheerleader!!!

Las Vegas

Hiro: Ando, we're not supossed to be wasting our time gambling! We've got to save the world!

Ando: And why can't we do it in style? James Bond does!

Security guards: Sorry, time-stoppers are not allowed in this hotel!

Southern Gambler guy: You somehow switched my cards! You'll pay for that!

Ando: No way! My friend will totally kick your-

Hiro: *KO'ed*

Ando: At times like this, I really wish I'd learned karate...

Elsewhere in Vegas

Nikki: Isn't the view from this room amazing?

Nathan: Yeah. Don't you just wish you could fly?

Nikki: Do you wish you had an alternate personality?

Nathan: No, not really...

Nikki: Neither do I, but flying sounds pretty cool.

Nathan: I'm surprised your husband let's you travel alone.

Nikki: Well, he's a convicted criminal, but he doesn't worry about me running into hot congressmen!

Nathan: Any kids?

Nikki: Yeah, one really annoying yet adorable child prodigy.

Nathan: I got two boys, but I don't think they're making an appearrance anytime soon...

Nikki: Having a kid makes me sometimes wish I could be two people...like, a caring mother and a sexy web-stripper at the same time. You know the feeling?

Nathan: No, but I think I can imagine...

Nikki: So, Nathan, are you happy with your wife...

Nathan: Well, she's sorta parylized from the waist down, but yes.

Nikki: Well, I guess that means that we can't do any-

Nathan: I said she's parylized from the waist down. Did you not understand that? *smooch*

Nikki: No! Nathan, I can't do this! I'm sorry! I have to leave...

Nathan: Damn! C'mon, I haven't had any for 6 whole months!!!

Thug: You'd better sleep with that politician, or Linderman will have to kill you!

Nikki: I can't!

Jessica: But I can!!! But I have to beat you into submission first!

Thug: *owned*

Jessica: I'm baaack!

Nathan: Sweet!!!! So I guess this is where the show cuts to some other location?

Jessica: Nah, I gotta please the male viewers for a little first...

Linderman *watching from the security camera*: Dude, this is way better than that weird Jim Carrey movie I rented last night!!!

A Subway in NYC

Mohinder: Look, I don't know what exactly is wrong with you, but I'm a geneticist, not a frickin psychiatrist, ok??? Now don't come to me with your crazy ideas any- *freeze*

Peter: Mohinder? Hello?? Damn you audience and your Tivos! Who hit the pause button?!?

Elsewhere in NYC

Isaac: Ok! Time to take a look at my world-saving paintings. Hm...a cheerleader, Peter being attacked by flying lockers, and some Japanese guys in front of a blood soaked banner. How does this help at all?!?

Odessa

Claire: Yoohoo, Brody! Can I drive your car home??

Brody: Ok, I don't see why not...

in Brody's car

Claire: Wooooo!!! Let's burn rubber, baby!!

Brody: Whoa, Claire! Slow down! You're freaking me out!!

Claire: Well, you didn't listen when I told you that the other night, did you?!?

Brody: What are you talking about? You forced me, not the other way around!

Claire: Are you calling me a slut???

Brody: Duh, and there's nothing you can do about it!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!

Claire: Not true! *super big car crash*

Las Vegas

HRG: No, it's not odd that I'm staring at two people in bed!

The Hatian: .............

HRG: Just take one, but don't let the fans find out which one I mean yet!

Time-stopped Subway in NYC

Peter: Ok, this is really really freaking me out now!

Future Hiro: Hello, Peter. I'm bad-ass, sword-wielding, leather clad, accent-less, futre Hiro Nakumara! You look different without your scar!

Peter: Scar??? What scar???

Future Hiro: Nevermind, I mostly said it to get some fan speculation going. Anyway, I have a message for you...

Peter: Ok, so what is it?

Future Hiro: Well, I'm not going to tell you now. It'll be more suspenseful if we wait until next week's episode.

Fans: ACK!!!! Why can't we have time travelling abilities?!?!?!?

to be continued...

Heroes Episode 3: One Giant Leap

2007-02-24T17:13:00.000-05:00

So here it is, Episode 3! Enjoy!
As always, older episodes and such are under archives

Mohinder: I'm not sure what happened to the other guy, but I get to recap last week's episode, AND do my usual thoughts on evolution!

Mohinder: Evolution is cool, but it can really be a bitch sometimes. However, it only does it for it's goal: Survival!

Me: Do these writers know biology at all? The goal is not just survival, you have to survive long enough to have offspring! Jeez!

Mohinder: C'mon! Who'd want to see a tv show where every superpowered person wants to go have kids? That's just plain stupid!

Me: Hm...so if you think about Darwin's "Survival of the Fittest" in that way, Nathan is one hell of a survivor...

Outskirts of Las Vegas

Nikki: I have to bury these dead bodies, but it looks like someone else is buried here! Hey, this skull-shaped ring looks familiar...

Odessa, Texas

Claire: If we win this football game, all of us high schoolers are gonna go hang out somewhere with no adult supervision until midnight!

HRG: Ok, you can go, just don't do anything with the quarterback!

Claire: Don't worry, pretty blonde cheerleaders don't get with quarterbacks unless they're also world-class bitches!

HRG: Maybe you should date nerds, you know, like that Japanese time bending guy!

"Plaire" Fans: No!!! You should date totally hot hospice nurses!!!

Jackie: Hey, Mr.Bennet, you've got such nice distinctive eyewear, people may as well start calling you "Horn Rimmed Glasses"

HRG: So, I heard that you're the new town hero!

Jackie: O.M.G.! Did you hear about that?

Claire: Did you just say "omg" out loud? Your ditz-meter just went up about 10 points...

Tokyo, Japan

Ando: Sweet, now I can carry the hot American stripper on my awesome Ipod with Video!

Me: Can you say "product placement?"

Ando: If you think that's bad, wait until we get our Nissan!

Hiro: Ando! I traveled forward in time and saw New York explode!

Ando: Someone's been drinking too much sake...

Hiro: I have proof! It's a comic about us from the future! See? It has everything you just told me? How would I have known that?

Ando: The bigger question is, how the heck did you read that? You can't read english!

Hiro: That doesn't matter! Now come on, we have to save a little girl!

Manhattan, NYC

Peter: I've decided not to jump off buildings anymore, falling off playground equipment is easier!

Kid: didn't your mommy ever tell you it's unsafe to stand on monkey-bars?

Peter: This is odd, I'd better go talk to Nathan.

Nathan: Peter, I've got a campaign to run here, do you really think I care about your flying problem?

Peter: Of course you do! But guess what, I found out that this Indian guy wrote a book about human flight, AND he just so happens to have moved to NYC to do more research!

Nathan: Why couldn't he do it in India?

Peter: I dunno, I guess there are just more people with super powers here than in Asia...

Nathan: Well, what's more important right now is that we find a way to explain to the press why you tried to jump off a roof...

Peter: Who cares about that? Don't you want to know why we can fly?

Nathan: Not really, I'd rather win this election.

Peter: Fine, so what do you plan on telling the reporter?

Nathan: I'm a politician, so something that's NOT the truth!

Brooklyn, NYC (yeah, we're starting to be specific about that)

Mohinder: Why does this stupid code make no sense?!?! AAAAAAAAHH!!!

Eden: Will some mac and cheese make you feel better?

Mohinder: Everything my dad did was stupid and pointless! Look, he made a stupid theory, a pointless algorithm, and now I'm wasting my time proving his stupid idea!

Eden: Will you make up you're freaking mind already?!? One week his theory is awesome, the next week it sucks, but then it's awesome again! Now it sucks, yet again!

Mohinder: I've made up my mind! IT SUCKS SO MUCH, I'M GONNA THROW HIS FRICKIN' COMPUTER!

Eden: Look! Yet another serendipitous discovery! It's a journal somehow hidden in a computer!

Mohinder: Hmm...the evil guy's address and a key. I wonder what it means?

LA

Matt: I'm telling the truth! I heard the little girl, but in my head!

Audrey: Fine, so what am I thinking right now?

Matt: um....

Audrey: *thinking* Why the heck did I bring this loser in here? It's so obvious he couldn't have done it! I guess it was for the sake of driving the plot forward, but it's already going to slowly...

Matt: You think this show moves waaaaaay too slowly!

Audrey: Sweet! The FBI's been looking for a psychic cop!

Odessa, Texas

Zach: Claire, I couldn't help but notice that you're totally ignoring the whole, "I lost the tape of you trying to kill yourself" thing

Claire: Well, I think it's good. Now I can be normal!

Zach: Why on earth would you want to be normal!???

Claire: Have you never seen Smallville, or any other superhero movie or comic for that matter? If you have superpowers, you have to brood and wish you were normal. I'm only following rules!

NYC

Simone: I'm selling all your paintings, and I got rid of your drugs!

Isaac: What??? how am I supposed to save the world if I'm not high?!?

Simone: Isaac, you can't paint the future! Be normal!

Isaac: I don't want to loose you, Simone!

Simone: Right, keep that in mind for episode 16! Now I'm leaving!

Tokyo, Japan

Hiro: Ok, now help me find the girl!

Girl: Japan has one of the world's best education systems, but apparently they forget to tell us to look before crossing a street!

Hiro: I'll save you with my time stopping awesomeness! *time freeze*

Girl: I'm alive!

Hiro: YATAAAAA!!!!!!

Ando: You did it! Let's hug and dance around in the middle of the street to celebrate!

Some desert in Nevada

Nikki: I finished burying those guys, just in time for sunrise!

Micah: Good morning!

Nikki: Hey, honey! How'd you sleep?

Micah: I was sleeping in the back of a car with no roof in the middle of the desert. How do you think I slept?

Nikki: Well, I'm sure it was better than my night! That's for sure!

Micah: So where are we going now?

Nikki: We're gonna go tell your grandma what a horrible mother she was!

Micah's Grandma: Micah!!!!!!! Give me a big hug!!!!!!!

Micah: Yay!!!

Grandma: Nikki, you're a terrible mother. Let me raise your son!

Nikki: Why, so he can end up like his wonderful father?

Grandma: My son is not a criminal!

Nikki: Yes he is! I found this ring of his in a grave! He murdered his gang!

Grandma: No he didn't! And even if he did, Micah is better off with me than a frickin grave-robber like you!

Nikki: I want you out of my son's life!

Grandma: Well, you're the one who brought him here!

Nikki: Don't make me angry! You wouldn't want to meet my other personality!!

LA

Matt: Why am I still here? My poor, lonely wife is waiting for me!

Audrey: We'll let you leave as soon as you read the little girl's mind.

Matt: Ok, fine, but first, the audience and I could really use some backstory on this Sylar guy...

Audrey: Well, basically, he's a serial killer who somehow kills without touching. He also cuts the victims heads off.

Matt: Wow, you must be crazy to go after a guy like him!

NYC

Mohinder: Knockknock! Are you there, Sylar?!?

Eden: Are you sure it's a smart idea to go meet the guy who killed your father!

Mohinder: Of course it is! I just want to ask him why!

Eden: Yeah, I'm sure the crazy psycho murderer is going to invite you in for tea and chat about his motives, right?

Mohinder: That's how they treat guests in India!

Eden: This is America, genius! Guests are treated like crap, not God!

Mohinder: But all the answers might be behind this door!

Writers: Why would we answer stuff in the third episode?

Me: Yeah, how'd this guy get a PhD anyway?

Mohinder: Good thing I carry around a screw driver with me so I can conveniently break in to bad guys' apartments...

Eden: Mohinder, everything in here seems totally normal. What are you taking all those pictures for?

Mohinder: I happen to think he's got good decorating sense, ok??

Eden: Look, his photo album is filled with pics of dead people? What's up with that?

Mohinder: Nevermind that, I've serendipitously found yet another mystery!

Eden: Hey, that map looks familiar! And it has other characters on this show posted on it, like the annoying congressman!

Mohinder: Look! Yet another mystery! A wall full of odd christian overtones! What on earth was my father involved in???

Eden: I wouldn't ask- it's a bit of a lost plot line that the writers are probably hoping we'll forget about...

LA

Audrey: OK, so the little girl is being kept in a perfectly safe place...

Little girl: AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Audrey: Or not...

Sylar: It's waaay smarter to try to kidnap you instead of kill you right here...

Audrey: Freeze! You're under arrest!

Sylar: Wait! You can't catch me, I haven't even been cast yet!

Matt: Don't worry! Sylar doesn't stand a chance against a tubby mindreading cop and an FBI chick!

Audrey: I've got you cornered! Put your hands up,now!

Sylar: I'd rather you point the gun at yourself, even though I could easily rip your head off...

Audrey: EEK!

Sylar: Why are you shooting yourself? :-P

Matt: Die, murderer!!!! *fires gun*

Audrey: I'm saved!

Sylar: I guess that's my exit cue...

On a plane from Tokyo

Ando: We figured after that intense Sylar chase, you could use some comic relief!

Hiro: This is so cool! We get to go stop a nuclear explosion! I think I might need a costume, though...

Ando: Dude, do you really think I wanna see you in tights?!?

Hiro: Ok, good point. We don't want to start any uprising of "Hando" Fans...

Ando: So does everything in that comic actually happen?

Hiro: Everything! Even this woman sleeping on your shoulder!

NYC

Simone: Peter, are you trying to sneak out of your shift early?!?

Peter: No, sorry, I'm quitting...

Simone: What?!? But having a hot nurse look after my dad was the only good part of him dying!

Peter: I'm sorry, but I'm...well, not ordinary. I'm extraordinary! And extraordinary people do extraordinary things!

Simone: What???

Peter: It's like...rivers belong where they can ramble, eagles belong where they can fly. And so do I!

Me: Sorry, I saw "Pippin" the musical last night...

Peter: I think I'm meant to be more than just a nurse. I should do something big- something explosive!

Simone: Well, I'll miss you.

Peter: Don't worry, they wouldn't get rid of your character that fast!

Some random field in Odessa, Texas

Claire: It's fun setting rival school mascots on fire!

Jackie: Speaking of fire, let me tell you about my amazing rescue!

Brody: Hey, Claire. I'm really sweet and nice. Really. I've noticed you've been depressed.

Claire: How would you know that?

Brody: Well, you stopped drinking chocolate milk, you stopped drawing in your notebooks, you stopped laughing at jokes...

Claire: Wow! You knowing all that isn't stalkerish at all. You're so sweet!

Brody: I even put fireworks in your mascot thing!

Claire: Are those even legal in Texas?

Brody: That doesn't matter. Now let's blow this joint!

Girl: I guess instead of warning Claire, I should just stand around looking depressed...

LA

Matt: Honey, I'm home!

Janice: And I care why?

Matt: I gotta tell you about my crazy adventurous day!

Janice: I don't care about your day! Our marriage sucks!

Matt: No it doesn't!

Me: Yeah, yeah, yeah...boring typical marital troubles. Let's just skip ahead a bit...

Odessa, Texas

Claire: I'm making out with a jock, and I'm loving it!

Brody: Nice, I am too!

Claire: Can we take a break and talk about my problems?

Brody: Sure, but can I rape you first?

Claire: What??? NO! GET AWAY FROM ME YOU PIG!

Me: C'mon, Claire! Punch him in the throat or something!

Claire: Unlike you, I'm a cheerleader, not a black belt in karate!

Me: Maybe you ought to find a more effective after school activity...

Brody: C'mon, Claire! You know you want it!

Claire: Over my dead body! *dies*

Brody: Claire? Uh-oh...

Las Vegas

Nikki: You're being awfully quiet...

Micah: Dad is innocent! You should believe in him more!

Nikki: No, I shouldn't. Now if you know where he is- Oh no! It's the cops!

Cop: You weren't speeding or anything, but a certain mob boss needs to speak with you about some money and thugs...

NYC

Peter: Anyone notice how different I look without that stupid piece of hair in my eyes?

Simone: I noticed!

Peter: See, I told you that you wouldn't be off the show yet!

Simone: And I also noticed that suddenly you seem way more attractive and confident, unlike my looser drug-addict boyfriend...

Peter: Well, now that I'm not working for your father, I don't feel afraid to tell you that I'm madly in love with you!

Nathan: Sorry, lovebirds, I gotta interrupt your moment with my campaign speech!

Nathan: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm glad that my wonderful family is here. Unfortunately, my father is not, since he's dead. He was depressed, just like my little brother! But it's a much better idea to tell everyone about it than to let him suffer on his own...

Peter: What??? That's it, I'm leaving and voting for the other guy!!

Los Angeles Airport

Hiro: We need a Nissan Versa! I've heard it's a wonderful car!

Ando: It sure is!

Me: Ack! It's the evil product placement! Don't let it get you, Hiro!!!

Ando: Before we drive off in our wonderful Nissan Versa, let me just take a peak at this stripper video I can conveniently carry on my Ipod!

Hiro: Wow, two great products in the same scene!

Me: They've both gone to the dark side! NOOOOO!!!

LA

Matt: As long as my wife hates me, I guess I can just hang out at bars and listen to people's thoughts...

The Hatian: You're mind reading won't work on me! I mean ........................

Matt: I've only had one drink...why do I feel so..........*faints*

NYC

Mohinder: Look in this apartment! It seems well decorated, but it's the home of a psycho!

Cops: Didn't we tell you not to worry about this? The whole "i have sinned thing" is nothing, we swear! No forget it ever happened!

Mohinder: Huh?? Everything is gone! I'll bet he has super packing abilities!!

Elsewhere in NYC

Peter: You son of bitch! I'll kill you!

Nathan: Easy, Pete, that's our mother you're talking about!

Me: That line was just too good to cut out!

Peter: You lied to me, and now you're letting everyone think I'm crazy!

Nathan: And the whole story just screams, "Nathan Petrelli: Family Man!"

Peter: Screw you! You just might make me actually depressed, or worse; evil!

"Evil Peter" Fans: SWEET!!!!!

Isaac: Lalala, flipping through my old drawings while for some reason India's national song plays in the background...

Me: Yeah, what is up with that???

Writers: It's in a language no one understands, and it sounds cool and mysterious! Give us a break!

Simone: Hey, Peter, I know you're already soaking wet, but I'll share my umbrella with you!

Peter: Aww, this is really romantic! *smooching time*

Isaac: Hey, this drawing is of Simone kissing-Peter?!? What???

Mohinder: Time for my closing narration!! Oh, but I guess you're wondering what happened to Claire...

Writers: You knew we couldn't end it without a shocking ending!

Some hospital in Texas

Morgue worker (I forgot the technical name, sorry!): Oh, this poor girl looks really dead. I guess we can start with the autopsy...

Mohinder: As I was saying, evolution can be a real pain. Not that I would know, since the lame writers didn't give me any superpowers....

Claire: Huh? Where am I? HOLY SH-

To be continued...

Heroes Episode 2: Don't Look Back

2007-02-22T22:47:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I finally managed to see episode 2. Here it is!

But if you're looking for Episode 1, it's Archived under January!

Narrator: Previously, on Heroes...

Claire: I'm invincible! I'm such a freak!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hiro: I can bend time! YATAAAAAAAAA!!!

Peter: I can fly!!!! I'm so quitting my day job!

Mohinder: I have to find out who killed my father!

HRG: I want to find out about him too!

Claire: Hey, Dad!

HRG: Nobody suspected that!

Narrator: And now...

Mohinder: Hey! I thought I was the narrator here!

Narrator: Nah, you give the philosophical thoughts at the start of each show, I do summaries!

Mohinder: Ok, so more of my discussion while we recap the last minute of Episode 1!

NYC

Peter: Ugh...why am I in a hospital?

Nathan: You jumped off the roof a building! You're suicidal!!!

Peter: Odd, I remember jumping because I wanted to show you that I could fly, but instead you flew! Whoa!!! You're the world's first flying politician!!

Nathan: NO!!! You're a crazy manic depressed nutball! Just deal with it!

Odessa, Texas

Claire: Dad, I really want to know about my birth parents.

HRG: Now why would you want to know about that? You're a blonde cheerleader, keep things fun and happy and don't worry about learning your weird background...

Claire: Cheerleading is hard! But that's besides the point...

HRG: Don't worry about growing up. Here's my advice: Being an adult sucks. Big time. Worry about it when it actually happens! Trust me!

NYC

Mohinder: ACK! There's a weird guy randomly in my apartment!

"Exterminator": I'm just spraying for bugs!

Mohinder: Then why are you messing with my phone?!?

Exterminator: Um...I'm spraying for phone bugs, of course. And I'm sure you don't want cockroaches all over your phone!

Mohinder: Yes I do! Cockroaches are obviously symbolic on this show somehow! Now prepare to eat decorative elephant statue!

Exterminator: Not so fast! *pulls gun*

Mohinder: You killed my father!

Exterminator: No! I AM your- Just kidding! Gotta run!

Eden: Oh no! I'd better save the hot Indian guy from the weird exterminator.

Exterminator: I'm completely innocent! I swear! I'm just a humble exterminator!

Eden: So why do you have a gun?

Exterminator: Er...for shooting bugs. Duh!

Eden: ....

Exterminator: Gotta run again! Bye!

Mohinder: Thanks for saving me! I'm Mohinder Suresh!

Eden: Whoa! I knew your father!!!

Times Square, NY

Hiro: WHOA!!!!! I just teleported into the middle of croweded Times Square, and nobody noticed!!!!!!!! Time to explore NY and act like a typical crazy Asian tourist!!!

Hiro: Hey! The guy on the cover of this comic looks exactly like me!

Comic store owner: What? You think that you get a discount if you're in the comic?

Hiro: Whoops, I forgot to exchange my Yen before teleporting! Gotta run!!!

Hiro: This is really weird! I should go talk to the author. And look! His address is conveniently printed on the comic!

Audience: If he can't speak or read english, how does he know that?!?

Elsewhere in NYC

Isaac: Simone! I almost died, but I managed to paint more of the future! NYC is going KABOOM!

Simone: Isaac, nobody can paint the future! Now quit the frickin drugs already!

Isaac: You're my girlfriend! You're supposed to believe my crazy talk!

Simone: OK, you're going to have to choose: Do you want to believe in this, or keep me around?

Isaac: Don't say that! It might be some pretty bad foreshadowing for later...

Odessa, Texas

Brody: Hey, Claire. I'm the hot jock that every cheerleader should pine after!

Claire: *is smitten*

Jackie: Hello! I'm the resident bitchy cheerleader! Now outta the way! Brody's mine!!!

Zach: Claire we gotta talk...

Claire: Not now! I'm busy pining after the football player!

Principal: Excuse me, girls, but the fire chief wants to talk to you!

Jackie: I didn't start the fire! I swear!!!

Las Vegas, Nevada

Nikki: OMG! My garage studio has brutally murdered dead guys in it!

Micah (on phone): Mom! Hurry up and pick me up!!!

Nikki: I'm only 5 minutes away, I swear!

Nikki: Huh? What just happened? Why did my clothes randomly change?

Micah (on phone): Mom!! You said you'd be here in five minutes five hours ago!!!

Nikki: Ok, this is really starting to freak me out!

Nikki's friend: Nikki! What's the deal with making me take care of your stupid kid for 5 hours???

Nikki: I'm sorry, but there are a bunch of dead guys on the floor of my garage, and I'm getting these weird memory holes! Quit bugging me!

Nikki's Friend: Don't worry! I bet it was just your criminal husband!

Nikki: No, it wasn't! Now don't tell the cops anything, I'm going to have to run!!!

NYC

Eden: I can't believe anyone would tap Pappa Suresh's phone!

Mohinder: Pappa?!? Why do you get to call him Pappa? He never let me call him that!

Eden: Well, see, I butchered his name a few times...

Mohinder: How do you butcher the name Chandra??? It's Chun-dra. Not very hard!

Eden; Yeah, well where is he? I haven't seen him for a while.

Mohinder: That would probably have to do with him being dead...

Eden: WHAT???

Mohinder: Sorry, that was just a tad insensitive... I didn't know you were close

Eden: Are you kidding? Me and Pappa Suresh used to chill all the time! We'd hang and talk genetics...

Mohinder: Sounds like he liked you a lot better than he liked me!

Eden: I never got to show him Darwin's Origin of Species!

Mohinder: My dad was a world renowned genetecist! Did you really think he'd never read it before??? Jeez.

Eden: Well, your dad did tell me he was being followed. Do you think they'll follow you?

Mohinder: Almost definitely. But right now you just need to tell me about everything he told you.

Odessa, Texas

Fire Chief: I just want to know who saved that guy's life. Unfortunately, all we know is that the girl was a blonde cheerleader, and the entire group of you fits that description!

Claire: Me? No, it wasn't me! I don't want to be a hero!

Jackie: It was me! I'm the brave heroic one!

Zach: Claire, I've still got to tell you something!

Claire: Stupid Jackie is getting honared for her heroic deeds! That's so not fair!

Zach: Don't worry, I'm sure she'll pay for it later. Anyway, I kinda lost the tape of you repeatedly trying to kill yourself...

Claire: OMG WHAT?!?

Brody: *tackle*

Claire: How does nobody notice that my neck just broke? I mean, I'm ok! I'm perfectly fine!

Brody: I tackled you and you're fine? Man, that's so hot!

Las Vegas

Micah: Mom, I like school! I don't wanna go on vacation!

Nikki: What's wrong with you??? Any normal 10 year old would kill to get out of school!

Micah: So why is our house all trashed???

Nikki: Just trust me! We have to leave! Now let me er...clean up the garage...

Nikki: Oh my god! The garage cleaned itself! And I suddenly have a new car! I'll bet my reflection did it!

NYC

Peter: I suddenly have this weird urge to draw flying stick figures...

Mrs. Petrelli: Why'd you jump off that roof? I need to know!

Peter: You just have to trust me!

Mrs. P: Oh for God sake, how many people are gonna say that in this episode??? They may as well have called it "Trust Me" instead of "Don't Look Back!"

Peter: But who'd watch a show with a lame episode title like that???

Mrs. P: Anyway, I have something important I should tell you. You're dad was depressed and suicidal, and you probably are too.

Peter: What?!? Why are you telling me this??

Mrs. P: Well, it starts out by thinking you're great or indestructible...

Peter: But I won't be indestructable for like, 5 more episodes!

Mrs. P: Peter, you're my second least favorite child, also!

Peter: I can live with that!

Elsewhere in NYC

Hiro: I found Meesta Isahk's apartment! Hello? Are you there??

Hiro: Hm...the door is left open, there's an odd silence, and creepy background music, AND blood on the floor. I guess I should stay here and pick up this dropped gun instead of run for my life!

Isaac: (x_x)

Me: In case it's hard to tell, that was my attempt at creating a dead-faced smiley!

Cops: Put your hands up!!!

Hiro: *faints*

Los Angeles, California

Matt: Despite what numerous other TV shows say, being part of LAPD sucks! I wish I could be a detective...

Mysterious girl's voice: Help! But if you're hearing this, you should probably stay away, it'll be more trouble than it's worth...

Matt: I'd better follow that weird voice in my head!

Audrey: I'll bet it was SYLAR! He's the only guy who kills by sawing heads off and taking brains!

Audrey's Partner: Let's find the girl, then worry about what actually happened!

Audrey: We've searched everywhere already!

Matt: Evidently, you forgot to look in this hidden closet thing.

Girl *thinking*: Don't hurt me!

Matt: I'm not going to hurt you! But isn't it weird that I'm totally failing to notice that you're not moving your mouth?

NYC, yet again

Mohinder: So, basically, my dad thought he could find a way to locate all the people with super cool genes. I didn't believe him though. I thought his ideas sucked!

Heroes Fans: WTH? Last episode you said they were off the hook!

Mohinder: Are you accusing me of flip-flopping?

Eden: Will it make you feel better to know he named his pet lizard after you? Hey, where is he??

Mohinder: While we look, I'll listen to this mysterious voice message of my dad and Sylar...

Eden: I found Mohinder the lizard! And look, he conviently lead me to this flash drive hidden in his cage!

Mohinder: Whoa!! This is it! This is everything he tried to proove! This is his totally off the hook theory!!!

Heroes Writers: C'mon, do you really think we're gonna make it that easy?

Los Angeles

Audrey's partner: Are you trying to tell me you heard the little girl, even though no one else could?

Matt: Yes! I'm innocent! Now let me go! I have to meet my wife before she decides to cheat on me or something...

Audrey's partner: Fine, you can go!

Audrey: No way, I'm still really suspicious of him!

Matt: What?? Sylar killed them, not me!

Audrey: How'd you know that name?!?

Matt: You said it out loud in the house before, duh.

Audrey: That's it! You're under arrest, tubby!

In the middle of some desert, Nevada

Nikki: Ok, time to start burying these bodies...hey, it seems like this place is a popular burial spot!

Odessa, Texas

HRG: Hi, honey! How was school?

Claire: Quite uneventful. I mean, it's not like I lost any dangerous tapes of myself or anything...

HRG: That's good. Anyway, I managed to contact the adoption center. You can meet your real parents as soon as I find people willing to act like them!

Claire: Aww, thanks Dad! Don't worry, you can protect me like a little girl for a long time!

HRG: I plan to! But never forget, I love you!

Claire: I love you too, Dad!

Heroes Fans: But not for much longer!

HRG: Ok, go get ready for dinner while I finish watching this tape of you trying to kill yourself...

NYC, for the zillionth time

Nathan: Peter, why are you on a roof, again?!? Do you have any idea how many votes I'll loose if you die?!?

Peter: I'm not crazy and suicidal! Now tell me that you flew, or I'll jump!

Nathan: Ok! I confess! Both of us flew! Are you happy now?

Peter: NO! Now I know you're only saying I flew to make me happy!

Nathan: What the heck is wrong with you?!?

Peter: You're an evil liar!

Nathan: No, I'm a politician!

Peter: Quit lying to me!

Nathan: Look down, and you'll see that I'm not!

Peter: I CAN FLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!! AND I drew this happening at the hospital!!!

Elsewhere in NYC

Cops: You're telling me you can bend time and space?

Hiro: Yes, like in Star Trek!

Cops: You're not in Star Trek!

Hiro: No, you're thinking of my dad...Listen, call my buddy, and he'll tell you what happened!

Ando: Hiro? He's been gone for weeks!

Hiro: Weeks? Why did my watch not change?!?

NYC: KABOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!

Hiro: AAAHHH!! Get me the [censored] out of here!!!

Tokyo, Japan

Hiro: It worked! But where's that narration coming from?

Mohinder: Yo, author, I think you're starting to kill that joke...

Me: It's my spin-off, I can kill as many jokes as I please! MWAHAHAHAHA!

Mohinder: Anyway, man has a destiny. He can't choose it. Too bad for him!

To be continued...

Fanaa

2007-01-29T20:21:00.005-05:00

Ok, so this is a Spin-off thing of Fanaa I started during the summer. It's the first abridged script I've actually finished for a Hindi movie! I'm quite proud of it :-)

And for any die-hard fans of this movie, Kajol or Aamir Khan, this is just purely for fun. Don't get offended by it-- I respect both Kajol and Aamir Khan very much.

Also, apologies for the weird spacing and random bold sentence, it happened when I transferred this from my other private blog, but I'll try to fix it ASAP

Children: Glory to India! Who's ready for another patriotic Aamir Khan movie?

Zooni: Actually, I'm the patriotic one this time! Although it would help if I could see the flag...

Zooni's Dad: In life, the hardest choices are between the lesser of two evils and the greater of two goods...

Zooni's Mom: Thanks for that, Dumbledore, but what does that have to do with Zooni going to Delhi?

Zooni's Dad: Nothing, but it's the main theme of the movie!

Zooni: It's ok, I'll do whatever you want me to.

Zooni's Dad: Good, then you can stay here and let us baby you for the rest of your life!

Zooni's Mom: But Zooni has to go to Delhi and meet her prince!

Zooni's Dad: I thought she was going to go dance...

Zooni's Mom: Well, she'll dance and meet her prince

Zooni's Dad: Why can't she do that here?

Zooni's Mom: SHH! It's part of the story! Just go with it!

scene

Zooni's Mom: Have fun in Delhi!

Zooni: Wait, so if I actually do meet a prince, what should I say?

Zooni's Mom: Simple, say that you want to be destroyed by his love!

Zooni's Dad: Hey, you never said that to me!

Zooni's Mom: Well, with you, I was nearly destroyed by your stupid football.

Dance troupe: It's fun shortening our names!

Ruby: No it's not! You're all such losers!

Dance Leader: And I'm very controlling.

Fatty: But not half as controlling as me!

scene

Dance Leader: Well, we're finally in Delhi. Where's our tourguide?

Rehan: Up on your bus, preparing my dramatic entrance!

Rehan: I'm a tourguide, flirt, poet ~~and terrorist~~ all in one! Oooh, and I think I've found a beautiful girl to flirt with!

Zooni: Are you referring to me?

Rehan: You're blind? Oh, that doesn't matter, you're too gorgeous!

Zooni: I think I might have found my prince!

Fatty: Ack! Don't listen to him Zooni!

Zooni: Quit bossing me around, Fatty!

Rehan: Fatty? Is that your name, or your dog's?

Me: Sorry, but that line was cute/funny!

Rehan: Ok, beautiful girls! Get on the bus, then we can hear more of my flirting and poetry?

Zooni: Ha! I can come up with cheesy poetry too, mr. tour guide!

Rehan: Hm...looks like I've finally met my match...

Scene

Rehan: Ok, now that you've seen what a wonderful poet I am, I supposse I should also let you see my awesome tourguiding skills.

Zooni: So, girls, what does our wonderful poet/tourguide look like?

Ruby: Kinda like Mangal Pandey, but without the mustache...

Other Dancer: Nah, he looks more like Bhuvan from Lagaan...

Fatty: Actually, he looks like a 40 year old playing someone much younger...

Ruby: Yeah, but who's surprised by that anymore?

Fatty: It doesn't matter! He's weird! Stay away from him!

Rehan: Did I mention that I sing also? *sings* Chand sifarish...

Zooni: Wow, he gets more amazing by the second!

Ruby: Hm, you should be pretty glad you can't see him dance, though

Other dancers: Wow, she's right, it's almost painful!

Fatty: Why is he singing about talking to the moon when it's not even night time?

scene

Rehan: Well, girls, I hope you enjoyed sightseeing!

Rehan: Zooni! Wait! Did I mention that blind girls get private tours?

Zooni: So, you want me to ditch all the other girls and go see Delhi with just you?

Rehan: If you say no, keep in mind it will screw the story up a bit.

Zooni: Ok, I'll do it!

*the next day*

Zooni: Hm...I'm starting to have doubts about this private tour idea. I'd better check with Mom...

Zooni's Parents: Sorry, we're not home!

Zooni: Aw, what the heck! I'll do what I want for a change!

Rehan: Good, because I've already left work early for this.

Zooni: What?!? My mommy always told me that it's wrong to skip work!

Rehan: Well, your mommy's not here, is she?

Zooni: I have a great idea. You go back to work, and I'll go back to the hotel!

Rehan: Ok, so where's the "great idea"?

Rehan: Fine, I'll go, but I won't come back tomorrow.

Zooni: Oh, yes you will. Like you said, if we don't have this tour, it'll screw up the story!

scene

Jolly Good Singh: Hey, Zooni! Wanna laugh at my weird name?

Zooni: I can't, I'm waiting for my prince!

Rehan: Ok, Ms. "I hate guys who skip work", now are you ready?

Zooni: Ha, I knew you'd come back!

Audience:I think we did too...

Zooni: So, has it occured to you that blind girls can't really sight-see?

Rehan: Well, you can sight-feel and hear! Your tour starts with feeling, hearing and smelling your dear tour guide!

scene

Rehan: So, here is the Gateway of Blood, where, obviously, lots of people died.

Zooni: *yawn*

Rehan: Um, let me repeat that. People died! There was blood. It was VERY VERY SCARY!

Zooni: You can't scare me!

Rehan: What if I sneak up and act like I'm about to rape you?

Zooni: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Rehan: And here is the famous India Gate, which is meant to honor more people who died.

Zooni: So what are the soldiers doing?

Rehan: Probably having a 21 gun salute for an airforce pilot who crashed due to faulty parts.

Zooni: Wow, I get a free private tour, and dinner! You certainly treat blind girls well.

Rehan: I only do it to satisfy my needs.

Zooni: Wants are so much cooler than needs! Like the *hint* want for love!

Rehan: Nah, only needs matter. And I need a new pretty woman every two weeks, and I'll never fall in love, ever!

scene

Zooni: Ok, now it's time for our big important dance at the Presidential Palace!

Dance troupe: Which of course means another song!

Zooni: Even though I'm blind, I'm still able to dance better than everyone else here!

Rehan: C'mon, Jolly Good! You have to let me in!

Jolly Good: No, sorry.

Rehan: C'mon, be nice to me before I have kill you later?

Jolly Good: Ok, fine.

Zooni: Wow, our dance went really well. I wish that Rehan could have come!

Rehan: Surprise!

Fatty: Ack! You again! Quit stalking my friend!

Zooni: Fatty, quit being a control freak and let me go off with the tourguide.

scene

Zooni: Why are we at a mosque? You're not religious!

Rehan: Of course I am. Didn't you notice how many times I said "Suban Allah" earlier?

Zooni: Wow, who ever knew that Indian cities were so crazy and crowded?

Rehan: Yup, that's the real Delhi! A deathtrap for all pedestrians!

Rehan: Hold on, I have to answer this suspicious phone call...

Zooni: Ok, I'll just cross the street myself

Rehan: Ack! Don't you know that trying to walk across a street in India is basically suicide!

Zooni: I'm sorry, my parents told me that it's cool to impress your date!

Rehan: OMG do you ever say anything that's not based on something your parents told you?!?

Zooni: I like you!

Rehan:

scene

Zooni: You don't need to say anything. Let's just enjoy this pleasant rickshaw ride...

Rehan: ..........

Zooni: Well, I'll see you tomorrow!

*the next day*

Zooni: Where the heck is he?!?

Fatty: I told you he's evil and unreliable!

Zooni: He's not! I'm going to go look for him!

scene

Rehan: Darn, I'm stuck guiding some old, already married people.

Zooni: Wanna hear some more of my poetry?

Zooni: *thinking* Good thing he doesn't know that that's what my Mom told me to say!

Rehan: So why is it ok for me to leave work for you now?

Zooni: We're in love now, so the rules changed.

Rehan: Zooni, I know you love me, but I'm a bad man!

Zooni: Oh, I don't care!

Rehan: Um...I think you might...

Zooni: it's my last day! C'mon, let's have some fun!

Rehan: Ok, fine. I'll make this last day of yours tons of fun. I swear!

Zooni: So what happened to the day? It just cut to dinner-time!

Rehan: I guess they figured that if we spend to long with romance scenes, everyone will leave before the second half, where this movie actually gets interesting

Zooni: Oh well, I don't mind romantic, candle-light dinner!

Rehan: I do when it rains! Ack! It's messing up my hair and getting my scarf wet!

Zooni: Don't go in! This wouldn't be a proper Bollywood movie without a typical romance song in the middle of the rain!

Rehan: Ok, but you *hint* owe me afterwards

scene

Zooni: Get up! I'm going to miss my train!

Rehan: Well, I guess this is goodbye

Zooni: Don't feel bad, Rehan. You've been so wonderful these past few days!

Rehan: So, you're not upset that I didn't marry you and what not?

Zooni: No. Don't worry about it. Well, goodbye.

Zooni: *bursts into tears* Why didn't he marry me?!?!? Waaaaaaah!!!!

Rehan: You know how you said this wouldn't be a proper Bollywood movie without a song in the rain?

Zooni: Rehan?!?

Rehan: It wouldn't be a proper one without me doing something like carrying you off a train either!

Dance Leader: Huh?!? What's going on??

Fatty: Weren't you paying attention to the movie??

Ruby: The brave-hearted is getting the bride!

Rehan: Ack! How dare you compare me to SRK!

scene

Zooni's Mom: You found your prince?!? That's wonderful!

Zooni: So can I marry him?

Zooni's Mom: I have complete faith in your decision. As long as he's not some kind of evil terrorist.

Zooni: hooray!

Rehan: Ok, but let's get your eyes checked before I blow up-- er, I mean before we get married.

scene

Doctor: There's a very very small chance that we can fix your eyesight

Zooni: So, in Bollywood terms, that means a super duper big chance, right?

Rehan: Don't worry, Zooni, I'm sure that my income as a tourguide will be enough to pay for this.

Zooni: Ok, will you go pick my parents up from the train station?

Rehan: Sure, but I have some important work to do first.

Presidential Palace: *kaboom*

Zooni: Mom! Dad! I can see!!!!!!!!!! Hey, where's Rehan?

Doctor: Well, after the explosion, we found this dorky looking scarf next to this body...

Zooni: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

scene

Anti terror guy: What's with the sudden change to the extremely Mission Impossible-esque music?

Psychologist: There's a dangerous, super secret terrorist on the loose. Nobody knows who he is. He could be the guy sitting next to you on a train, or even that weird scarf- wearing tourguide...

Rehan: I bet you've never seen a plot twist like this!

Dil Se fans: Hm....seems somewhat familiar

Rehan: Sorry, Zooni, but we terrorists have no room for love...I guess I'll never see you again...

Intermission- time to go eat popcorn and samosas!

Anti-terrorist guy: It's been 7 years and we still don't know anything about the guy who blew up the presidential palace!

Psychologist: Actually, I know that he's managed to get every part of some dangerous missile. So, we'd better at least protect the remote...

Anti-terror guy: Ok, whatever, let's just get back to the romance story everyone came to see...

Rehan: Who needs girls and cheesy poetry when I can play snow-soccer with India's best soldiers?

Audience: How the hell did he get there anyway?!?

Rehan: Who cares? Do you want this movie to be even longer?

Army Officer: Ranjeev, I trust you with this very important trigger. Don't let that evil terrorist get it!

Anti-Terror guy: Ranjeev hasn't called his wife? I'll bet he has a good reason.

Psychologist: OMG It's the terrorist! After him!

Anti-terror guy: How'd you figure that out? Loads of guys never call their wives.

Mrs. Anti-terror: You're telling me...

Psychologist: Trust me, us psychologists can predict the future and read minds...

scene

Rehan: If you didn't like poetic tourguide Rehan, I'm sure you'll love Mission Impossible Rehan!

Helicopter: *kaboom*

Indian Soldiers: It's the terrorist! Attack him!

Rehan: Ack! How did those soldiers get here so fast? Good thing I have super-good aim...

Soldiers: Sneak attack in the snow time!

Rehan: ...and awesome cat-like agility

Soldier: Die, terrorist! *stab*

Rehan:

Soldier: Hm...that was quite easy.

Rehan: Oh yeah? *stabs back*

Rehan: Ack...dying...must go seek help from little cabin in the middle of nowhere...

Zooni: I hope this isn't one of those annoying salesmen...

Rehan: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!! How the heck did I end up here?!?

Audience: What, did you not expect that?

Zooni: Rehan!!!!!!

Rehan:

Me: that smiley does look a lot like him at that moment, doesn't it?

Rehan: Could this moment get any worse?

Rehan Jr: Cool, a dying soldier!

Rehan: *faints*

scene

Zooni's Dad: Well, I've bandaged him up. Too bad there's a terrible storm that won't let him leave for a while...

Rehan Jr.: Cute kids talk in 3rd person! Rehan wants to feel the dead man's chest!

Zooni: Silly kid, his heart beat is here-- whoa...this guy feels familiar...

scene

Anti Terror guy: Man, that terrorist has some pretty good aim! He killed like, 20 soldiers and blew up a helicopter with his dinky pistol...

Psychologist: We can't stop searching for him until we know that he's dead!

scene

Zooni: No, sharing a bed with my 7 year old is not being overprotective!

Rehan: Yes it is! NOW DIE!!!!!!!!

Rehan: Just kidding! It was only a nightmare!

Rehan: Ok....I don't want to have to kill Zooni and my son...I'd better make a daring escape! Or not... *faints, yet again*

scene

Rehan Jr. : Look! The dead man woke up!

Rehan: Why do you keep staring at me?

Rehan Jr: You know what? Rehan's father is some cricket player!

Rehan: OMG Zooni cheated on me?!?

Rehan Jr. : ...because Rehan's real father is dead, so Mommy said that Rehan can pick any man who's good looking and dependable...

Zooni's Dad: Hey, Mr. Soldier, all the communication lines are dead, and there's a terrible snow storm going on. But who cares, be our guest!

Rehan: This is probably the most awkward moment of my life...

Zooni: Rehan!

Rehan:

Me: again-- doesn't that smiley perfectly capture Rehan's expression???

Zooni: Quit spraying Tag on the soldier!

Rehan Jr. : Sorry! Dead man needs a shower!

Rehan: Nah, they only give shower scenes to hot guys...or 40 year olds with Six-packs

Zooni: So, soldier, what's your name?

Rehan: My name...um...it's...

Zooni's Dad: Captain Ranjeev. Did you forget?

Zooni: Well, Ranjeev, I hope you enjoy staying with us. Excuse me while I go chase my son...

Rehan: Um...so...you've got a pretty nice house, considering it's in the middle of nowhere.

Zooni's Dad: Yes, my wife loved this place. But she's gone, and so is the guy Zooni was suppossed to marry...

scene

Rehan: Of all the houses in all the towns in all the world, I walked into hers...

Rehan Jr.: Rehan doesn't want to be patriotic! Rehan wants to hear stories!

Zooni: Sorry, people like me don't believe in stories, kid.

Rehan Jr.: Hey, dead-man, do you know the national anthem?

Rehan: No! Leave me alone and learn to talk properly!

Zooni: How can Aamir Khan, the king of patriotic movies, not know the national anthem?

Rehan: Leave me alone! I'm not here to raise our son! I mean my son. I mean your son!

Zooni: This is the thanks I get for letting you stay in my house?!? C'mon, Rehan, let's leave Ranjeev to wallow in his misery...

scene

Rehan: Dinner? Sorry, I can't eat while I'm brooding...

Zooni's Dad: Ooh, a fight! Give me the dirt, kid!

Rehan Jr.: Dead man made mommy cry.

Zooni: Do you want to get grounded?

Rehan: All the brooding is making me sleepy. Goodnight.

Rehan Jr. : Wait, we need another cute scene together!

Rehan: Turmeric milk? Haven't you guys ever heard of Nesquik?

Rehan Jr.: Well, don't throw it out, Mommy will notice, and she's angry enough at you.

scene

Rehan: Stupid cheap radio thing. How much longer will I be trapped here?

Zooni: I'm still mad at you. Now let me fix this hole in peace!

Rehan: What, you didn't call me? I can't swing a hammer?

Zooni:

Rehan: Ok, I'm sorry I yelled. I'm not the flirty, poetry spouting tourguide I used to be...but now I'm a much better carpenter...

Zooni: Sorry, but Rehan has no father. He unfortunately died in a tragic bomb blast...

Rehan: Well, he's a good kid. I'm sure his father was quite a wonderful, talented and handsome man.

Zooni: Well, if you want to get on my good side, you have to either tell me some poetry or tell my son stories.

Rehan: Poetry is so 7 years ago! I'll do the story telling...

*later*

Rehan: So then this one time, I met this hot british girl who wanted to make a movie about freedom fighters...

Rehan Jr.: See, Rehan told you the dead-man was cool!

Rehan: Yeah, but she wasn't near as hot as the british girl who helped me out with that cricket game, but I loved her more anyway, and...

B

Rehan: Hey, let me help give the kid a bath! Oooh, bubbles!

Zooni: Good, if he starts splashing, just use one of your army combat moves on him...

scene

Zooni: Well, I was wrong about you, Ranjeev. You're not so bad afterall.

Rehan: Thanks. Say, would you be offended if I said, "please take my shirt off?"

Zooni: So, what's up with the whole, "let me brood all day" attitude?

Rehan: Well, I lost my parents when I was young, and I was raised by my grandfather who made me do stupid missions and didn't let me fall in love...

scene

Rehan: This place isn't so bad, now that I've connected with my son. I'm suddenly so happy! In fact, I feel a song coming on!

Rehan Jr.: Rehan senior sung stuff about the moon and love and what not. Rehan Jr. sings silly tongue twisters!

Rehan: Marching in the snow and ignoring the current high angst level is fun!

Zooni's Dad: Why do I feel like I've heard my son sing this before?

Zooni: Yaara Yaara- Um... I mean Chanda Chanda Chumke...

scene

Zooni's Dad: Woooo! I'm drunk out of my mind!

Rehan: Hehe, drunk old men are funny...

Zooni: Ok, Dad, why don't you go to bed?

Zooni's Dad: Why? I'd rather stay up and sing old songs with Ranjeev!

Rehan: Sounds like fun to me...

Zooni: No! C'mon, Dad, bedtime!

Rehan: Ok, fine, I guess I'll just sing by myself...

Rehan: *singing* Ay....kya bolti tum?

audience: I think I like it better when he's dubbed...

Zooni: I'll sing with you! *sings* Ay...kya main boloon?

Rehan: *sings* Ab to mera dil jaage na sota hai! Kya karoon haye kuch kuch hota hai!

Zooni: *sings* Dil chatha hai...kabhi na beete chamkile din

Rehan: *sings* Tujhe dekha to yeh janaa sanam / Pyar hota hai deewana sanam /Ab yahaan se kahaan jaaye hum / teri bahoon mein mar jaaye hum!

Zooni: Oooh, I love that song! Let's dance!

Zooni: Whoa...I'm getting weird deja vu...

Rehan: Are you ok?

Zooni: Ack! You're so much like Rehan that it's freaking me out!!!!!! Seriously, I can't be any more freaked out right now!

Rehan: Not even if I sneak up on you and act like I'm about to rape you?

Zooni: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! How do you know about that, freak!?!?

Rehan: Duh, it's me, the poetic tourguide that you fell in love with!

Zooni: It's not possible!

Rehan: Not probable!

Me: sorry, I just had to slip that in there...

Zooni: It can't be!

Rehan: Well, it is, Zooni!

Zooni's Dad: What?? So you're the guy my daughter has mourned over for 7 years?

Rehan: How'd you go from out of control drunk to totally sober in 5 minutes???

Zooni's Dad: That's not important right now! Please explain to me why you faked your death and made my daughter miserable.

Rehan: Ok, fine! My real name is Rehan, and I was on an important mission that I couldn't ignore, so I had to leave, ok?!?

Zooni: Well, that still doesn't explain why you told us your name was Ranjeev Singh, or why you faked your death, or...

Rehan: How about I tell you that when your dad explains how he got sober so quick?

Zooni's Dad: Well, I'm not a control freak anymore, so Zooni, you figure this out on your own.

Zooni: OMG YOU LOSER YOU LEFT ME FOR 7 FRICKING YEARS!!!!!

Rehan: Well, I'm sorry-

Zooni: All this time, I've drawn pictures of you, trying to find out what you look like! And you look nothing like Ajay Devgan!

Rehan: Look, Zooni, I'm sorry I've made you miserable for 7 years, ok?

Zooni: I'm too mad right now! Just go to bed and leave me alone...

scene

Rehan: Well, I guess there's nothing left for me here anymore...

Rehan Jr.: Don't leave! How can you not want to stay with adorable Rehan?!?

Rehan: Sorry kid, but you're mother hates my guts...

Rehan Jr. : Rehan loves you more than you love Rehan!

Rehan: Aww...give me a hug!

Zooni: Hey, where's the evil soldier who has made me miserable?

Rehan Jr. : He left without saying goodbye to you. So, Rehan loves Rehan more than Rehan loves you!

Zooni: Wow...I really got to teach this kid to talk properly. Wait he left?!?

scene

Zooni: Rehan! Quit walking so fast!

Rehan: Time for the romantic, "run to the man you love and hug him scene"!

Zooni: *slap*

Rehan: I'm not sure I deserved that

Captain Jack Sparrow: Ok, now that's going a bit too far...

Me: sorry, I couldn't help it!

Zooni: You left me for seven years, and now you're leaving again?!? What's wrong with you???

Rehan: I hear music...I think it's time for a song...

Zooni: Yeah, and it should be one of those ones where we somehow end up in a pretty forest full of falling autumn leaves...

Rehan: ...and a nice, snowy scene with a beautiful full moon...

scene

Anti-Terror people: Hey, remember us? We're still hunting for Rehan!

Psychologist: Yeah, and we've still made no progress. It's time to alert the media...

Anti-terror people: Yeah, I'm sure that the genius terrorist who's smart enough to avoid every anti-terror organization on the planet will be dumb enough to leave the trigger lying around!

scene

Rehan: Well, it seems like everything has worked out...I think I still need to finish my mission, though.

Audience: Wouldn't it just be easier to get rid of the trigger, pretend your dead so that Grandpa doesn't need you, and just live a happy life with Zooni?

Rehan: Um, hello??? The movie is called "fanaa." That means "destruction." Therefore, I have to be destroyed! This is the only logical way for that to happen!

Audience: Actually, you could fake your death for Grandpa, then he could find you, and some event could take place where both him and you get destroyed while you protect Zooni and mini-Rehan.

Rehan: But then where's the patriotic, "you're country is more important than your love" message in that???

TV: Attention! Be on the lookout for a suspicious guy dressed in an army uniform, carrying this electronic device!

Zooni's Dad: This is boring...let's see what's on the home shopping network...

Rehan: Wow, I guess he doesn't think that lying about my name was suspicious...

Door: *knockknock*

Rehan: Uh-oh, dramatic music! It's probably the cops!

Colonel: Hey, buddy! I have some very important information...

Rehan:

Colonel: I need rum, now.

Me: Must...resist...urge...to insert a 'why is the rum gone' line...

Zooni's Dad: Getting drunk is always more fun with friends!

Colonel: So, Rehan, you can come to my place and radio your army unit.

Rehan: Ok, good, then I can finally put a million peoples lives at stake so that I can be happy with Zooni...

scene

Zooni: Guess, what? I'm no longer to depressed to tell stories!

Rehan Jr.: Hooray!

Zooni's Dad: Rehan? C'mon, we gotta go radio your- hey, this electronic thing in your jacket looks familiar...

Rehan: Ah, what a perfect day! I'll give this trigger to my grandpa, free Kashmir, and get to live a perfect life with my wife and son, and have a nice home and a little dog named Tommy...

Zooni's Dad: So...how 'bout those terrorists? They're pretty evil, don't you think?

Rehan: Nah, they're just trying to free Kashmir. Give them a break.

Zooni's Dad: Ha! I knew it! Prepare to die! *pulls out gun*

Rehan: Do you really think that I'll have trouble stealing a gun from an old man like you?

Zooni's Dad: Now that I think about it, maybe I should have tried to radio the anti-terror people instead of trying to kill the dangerous terrorist myself...

Rehan: Give me my trigger back, or I'll- oops...We probably shouldn't have fought right near this cliff...

Zooni's Dad: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Rehan: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

scene

Zooni: C'mon, let's go for a pleasant walk by this river.

Zooni's dad: If I fell off of a cliff, how exactly did I end up in this river?

Zooni: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Rehan: Hello, Zooni, I've returned from an uneventful trip to Colonel's house.

Zooni: Where's my dad?!?

Rehan: Um...he's sleeping over at Colonel's. Perhaps he got drunk and fell off of that cliff right next to his house.

Zooni: But-

Rehan: Sorry, I have to go brood, yet again. I'll be in the shower.

Zooni: I thought they only gave shower scenes to hot guys?

Rehan: They can make an exception when the non-hot ones need to get out of the way...

Zooni: Hey, this remote in your jacket pocket looks interesting.

Audience: The smartest terrorist ever isn't even smart enough to hide the trigger after already being caught with it once???

TV: Be on the look out for a mysterious trigger, and a man who looks like this sketch.

Audience: Sketch?? Where the heck did they get that from, nobody's seen him who isn't dead!!!

Kunal Kohli: Must you guys question every detail???

Zooni: Rehan, don't freak out, but I want you to pack your bags and get in the car without saying anything to your dad. NOW!

scene

Rehan: That was a refreshing shower! Hey, where did everyone go??? OMG! I bet that Zooni figured out everything and ran away!

Audience: So, what? Are you going to run through the deep snow after her?

Rehan: I guess I have to, don't I?

scene

Zooni: Don't worry, son! We'll be safe in Colonel's house. Oh, wait, he's already dead...I'd better steal his gun.

Rehan Jr.: Where are we, Mom?

Zooni: Don't worry about it, Rehan! I have to go radio someone for help!

Zooni: SOS! SOS! I just found out my husband is an evil terrorist who wants to blow up India or something!

Anti-terror people: OMG! It's a good thing you contacted us! Now listen, whatever happens, don't let him escape! The love of your country is a zillion times more important than love for your hubby, ok?

Zooni: But-

Anti-terror people: India is counting on you!

Rehan: Wow, it was really smart of you to go hide in the most obvious place like this.Now unlock this door!

Zooni: NO!

Rehan: C'mon, open it! I just want to talk!

Zooni: Well, ok!

Rehan: Listen, Zooni, I know you're not too impressed with my line of work, but Grandpa won't actually kill anyone! He's just gonna use it as a threat, then free Kashmir, then we can all be happy!

Zooni: But this is totally wrong! You can't threaten to kill people for freedom!

Rehan: Why not? Me and my buddies killed a minister once, we got the idea from some Indian freedom fighters!

Zooni: But you can't kill innocent people!

Rehan Jr. : What are you guys talking about???

Rehan: Shut up and go back to sleep kid! Mommy and Daddy are talking!

Zooni: Look, I know it's usually good of spouses to support each other's careers, but this is where I draw the line!

Rehan: Zooni, it's too late for me to do anything now. Just give me the trigger, I'll give it to grandpa, and we will be able to live a happy life in free Kashmir!

Zooni: But what about the rest of India?

Rehan: Um...what about them?

Zooni: You can't threaten to kill hundreds of innocent people just for your own happiness!

Rehan: Zooni, we can argue politics forever, but HEY LOOK OVER THERE!!!

Zooni: Huh??? *turns around*

Rehan: Hahahaha, fooled you! The trigger is mine now! And look, just in time for Grandpa's helicopter. Now I can slowly trek through this deep snow to attempt to give it to him

Zooni: Don't!! I'll shoot!

Rehan: Shoot? Hahaha, you wouldn't have the guts!

Zooni: *shoots*

Rehan: ack! That wasn't reverse psychology! *turns to shoot her*

Rehan: No...I can't do it. I love you too much. But I'm still going to blow up India, though.

Zooni: Then I have no other choice... *shoots again*

Rehan: *dying* Rehan loves you more than you love Rehan :-(

Zooni: Don't you start with the thrid-person stuff too, now....

Rehan: *dies*

Anti-terror guys: Hey look! We conviently got here just in time to shoot down Grandpa's plane!

scene

Zooni: Well...Rehan is dead. I guess this is the end.

Rehan Jr. :Don't you need to sum up the overall message of the movie?

Zooni: Um...when making a good Yash Raj film, it's totally ok for things to not make sense

Rehan jr. : ???

Zooni: I mean...um...The most difficult choices are between the lesser of two evils and the greater of two goods.

Rehan Jr. : But...you really were kind of choosing between an evil terrorist and the good of your country, so how does that really apply?

Zooni: Like I said, it's a Yash Raj film, it doesn't need to make sense

The End

Heroes Episode 1: Genesis

2007-01-02T23:05:00.000-05:00

So today I was thinking of the best way to waste my time on the last day of break, and I decided to write a Heroes spin-off type thing. This is based on episode 1. If you haven't seen it, go watch it on the official website, otherwise this won't seem that funny.

Mohinder: I get to talk about human nature, but I know you all are just wondering why Peter's jumping off a building...
Peter: I can flyyyyyyyyyyy!
Mohinder: Anyway, so, humans like to question things...

NYC

Simone: Yo, are you sleeping or taking care of my dad?
Peter: Sorry, I was having this amazing dream where I was flying while some Indian guy rambled about human nature.
Simone: Well, that's cool. Thanks for taking such good care of my dad. You've been like a son to him.
Peter: Son? How about "son-in-law?"
Simone: Jeez, that was smooth. Sorry, but I'm dating this weird heroine addict right now.

Madras, India

Mohinder: Cockroaches are waaaaay cooler than humans. I'll bet that God is actually a cockroach!
Vishnu: I know I say that I can be worshiped in any form, but a cockroach? C'mon!
Mohinder: Um...anyway, back to genetics. Humans might evolve to get superpowers, just like in X-men! Isn't that awesome?
Class: .........
Mohinder: Nevermind. Class dismissed.
Other Professor: Mohinder, we need to talk
Mohinder: Yeah, I know I sound like my father, but his ideas were off the hook!
Other Professor: Um...about your father...he's dead.
Mohinder: OMG I better go to his apartment and figure out how he got killed
Other Professor: In a car accident, of course.
Mohinder: No way, he was killed for his crazy ideas! I'll bet the guys from Marvel Comics did it!
HRG: *on his phone* Look, can I call you back? I'm busy being the suspicious guy looking through the Indian guy's apartment...
Mohinder: ACK! RUN AWAY!

Las Vegas

Nikki: Hey, male viewers! Are you enjoying this?
Nikki: Hm..why is this mirror staring at me? Oh well, I gotta go take care of my genius kid.
Micah: Hey, mom. I got completely ready for school, and started building a computer motherboard while you were "working" in the garage.
Nikki: I'm only doing that for your own good! Now, we have to sneak out the back door so those thugs don't kill both of us.

Odessa, Texas

Claire: For some reason, I'm recording my attempts to kill myself.
Zach: Don't worry, I'm sure it's a smart idea to tape it so ANYONE can find it!

NYC, again

Peter: Jeez, another weird dream. At least this one didn't have some Indian guy doing a voice over
Nathan: Heeey, Little brother. What's up?
Peter: Well-
Nathan: Sorry, too busy being a jerk/politician to care.
Peter: I keep having weird prophetic dreams. I think I can fly.
Nathan: Right. Go fly away and quit bothering me then. You're screwing up my image.
Peter: Brothers are suppossed to understand these things!
Nathan: Great, I've got an insane brother and a criminal mother. Can this day get any worse?

Odessa, Texas

Claire: I'm a freak! This is terrible!
Zach: No, it's awesome! Besides, if it's so bad, why'd you have me tape it?
Claire: Mostly to use as a plot point.
Zach: Well, I think it's cool.
Claire: I'm sorry, on top of all my other lame, cheerleader related problems, now I have to worry about being a freak.That's not my idea of cool.
Zach: Well, do you want me to give you a ride home?
Claire: No, but as your reward for taping my attempts to kill myself, you have the honor of me talking to you in school.
Zach: You'll talk to me?!? With this sort of leverage, I could force you to lick my shoes in public!
Claire: Why would you want to do that?
Zach: I don't know...I'm just saying. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone.

Tokyo, Japan

Hiro: I'm pretty much the reason for people to watch this show. I not only have the coolest power ever, but I'm an adorable nerd! \(^-^)/
Ando: Remind me again why I'm friends with you?
Hiro: Because, you and I make the most awesome comic relief ever? But I have superpowers! Isn't that awesome?
Ando: No
Hiro: You're just jealous that I can be like Spock, and you can't.
Boss: OK, NERD, BACK TO YOUR CUBICLE.
Ando: Nice, now I can continue to watch this hot american stripper...

Las Vegas

Principal: Your son is a genius, but this school is for people with money. Sorry.
Nikki: WTH??? I gave you money!
Principal: Well, but we want lots of money.
Nikki: You make me ANGRY. You don't want to see me when-
Principal: Lady! This TV show takes enough from comic book superheroes already!
Nikki: C'mon, Micah! Let's leave this lousy place!
Jessica: Hello!
Nikki: LEAVE ME ALONE YOU STUPID REFLECTION!!!

NYC

Nathan: MOM! How the heck am I gonna win this election if you're stealing socks?
Peter: Quit whining, jerk, leave Mother alone.
Nathan: *continues ranting*
Peter: Why don't you go ahead and keep being an annoyingly selfish politician. This situation is for me, the sensitive one.
Nathan: Fine. I've got more masculine things to worry about.
Peter: So, were they nice socks?
Mother: You need to stop being so sensitive. It's why your brother takes advantage of you.
Peter: What are you talking about? Me and Nathan are really closer than Turk and JD!
Mother: Any idiot can tell that he thinks your a loser.
Peter: Then how do you explain that on the night of his major car accident, I woke up and somehow knew about it?
Mother: Sure, and I'll bet that you also fly and have weird dreams with voice-over narration...

Las Vegas

Micah: Mom, I don't want to stay at your boring friend's house!
Nikki: Sweety, I need you to be safe while I try and figure out how to pay back a mob boss...
Nikki's Friend: What did you do now?
Nikki: Listen, I'm stressed, in debt, dealing with a genius kid, and I think my reflection is stalking me. Give me a frickin break!

Odessa, Texas

Zach: Sweet! A big train accident!
Claire: A chance for me to use my powers for good! Are you recording this?
Man in fire: A cheerleader? How are you going to carry me out of this burning wreckage?
Claire: I dunno, but I'm doing it anyway.
Firefighter: OMG...you were on fire and don't have a single burn!
Claire: Go save the other guy while I run away!

NYC

Landlord: Ok, here's your father's apartment.
Mohinder: Oh no! The suspicous guy must have got in here too!
Landlord: How do you plan on paying rent?
Mohinder: I got a job as a stereotypical Indian cab-driver.
Landlord: You learned your way around NYC and got an american driver's license that fast?
Mohinder: Um...yes.Yes I did.
Landlord: Ok, that's totally believable. I'll go get your application.
Mohinder: EWW! Cockroach! Kill it!
Cockroach: Hey, I thought I was your God! AAAH!

elsewhere in NYC

Isaac: I'm a crazy, troubled artist and heroine addict!
Simone: Why am I dating you, exactly?
Isaac:I These paintings are evil! They show the future!!!
Simone: What???
Isaac: Look, see! I can paint the future when I'm high! I'm a freak!
Simone: I'll put you back in rehab. Let me help you!
Isaac: NO! Leave me alone so I can brood.

Nathan: Guess what, Peter? I've spent a million dollars, but nobody will ever know that our mom stole some socks!
Peter: Nathan, this little act of hers was a desperate plea for attention. Maybe we should-
Nathan: Oh, guess what else? I got you a job. See, you're as cute and cuddly as an un-potty trained labradoodle, and about as good at politics as one. I'm a wonderful politician, but I have no people skills. So, I need your help!
Peter: But why me?
Nathan: Peter, what have we always said is the most important thing?
Peter: Breakfast?
Nathan: Family, George Michael. So, if I let the world know that I put family, including my annoying overly-sensitive, yet wonderfully adorable brother first, I'll definitely win!
Peter: Did you listen to me when I told you I could fly? No.
Nathan: Dude, you're no longer playing what's his face on Gilmore Girls. Grow up!
Peter: Well, I have a job already.
Nathan: Yeah, you're a male nurse. Next thing you know, you'll be marrying someone who's dad was in the CIA...
Peter: Leave me alone. I have to go brood.

Mohinder: Like my new taxi? I learned to drive it around NYC pretty quick.
Peter: It's nice. Oooh, pretty eclipse!
Mohinder: Yes, it shows us how small we all are.
Peter: You sound familiar...I feel like I've heard your voice in a similar philosophical talk somewhere
Mohinder: Yeah, I'm into philosophical discussions and lectures about genetics.
Peter: Hey, so am I! So, do you think that anyone is special?
Mohinder: Everyone is. Didn't you watch Barney when you were little?
Peter: That purple dinosaur gave me nightmares...but that's not what I mean.
Mohinder: Well, some people have cooler genetic codes, and they're more special. It's all evolution. Giraffes got longer necks, and humans get weird powers. It makes sense.
Peter: Cool. I wonder what all those special people are doing now?
Mohinder: Probably watching the ecclipse. Now don't interrupt me while I talk genetics...

Las Vegas

Nikki: I better photgraph this eclipse for Micah while the thugs are in my house...
Thugs: We'll lower your debt if you let us exploit you.
Nikki: You're making me angry...
Thugs: So what? Are you gonna go all Hulk on us?

Tokyo

Hiro: Still bragging about my superpowers, here! Don't you realize how awesome this is?
Ando: Who cares. Superpowers are useless. Clark Kent's got 'em, but is Lana pregnant with his child?
Hiro: Don't you ever read any comics? I have to save the world and find my destiny.
Ando: Whatever, I need a drink. Let's go to that place that still plays Backstreet Boys music
Hiro: So, time isn't a line, that's why you can bend it. I learned it from X-men
Writers: See? Now the show is an homage, not a rip-off!
Ando: I really don't know how much you can trust comic books on physics...
Hiro: I'm so excited! I have superpowers. I'm the most awesome nerd, ever.
Fans: You can say that again!
Ando: Why don't you teleport to the girls bathroom then? It'll make for some good comic relief.
Hiro: Ok!

Las Vegas

Nikki: Ugh...am I having a hangover? I don't remember drinking-- ACK! Blood! I'll bet my weird reflection killed those guys!

NYC

Peter: You know, it might not be a good idea for us to be on screen at the same time;you'd better drop me off here before the fangirls die of hotness overload.
Mohinder: I hope the next guy I have to drive is as nice as him!
HRG: Going through people's apartments is exhausting. I can't wait to get home to my family.
Mohinder: Hm...this guy looks suspicious.
HRG: So, I see that you have the same last name as a famous genetics professor? But I guess that you're not necessarily related.
Mohinder: I uh....GOTTA GO! BYE!
HRG: How am I supposed to get to the airport now?!?

Texas

Claire's Mom: Blahblahblahblah, Mr. Muggles, blahblahblah
Lyle: What kind of name is Mr.Muggles? Someone's reading too much Harry Potter.
Claire: Sorry I'm late for dinner, I was busy trying to hurt myself.
Claire's Mom: That's nice, honey. So, did anyone do anything special?
Claire: I walked through fire and didn't get burned.
Claire's Mom: Wow, are you being philosophical? That's awesome. Kinda like this Indian guy I once met...
Claire: It's comforting to know that we're not actually related sometimes.

Tokyo

Hiro: Ok, time for the promised comic relief!
Girls: Who left this nerd in the bathroom?!?
Hiro: Woohoo! I got kicked out of a bar, but I teleported!
Ando: Oh, for God's sake! You can't bend time and space. Nobody can! Why on earth do you want to be different??
Hiro: Because it's AWESOME BEING DIFFERENT!!!!!
Ando: No it's not! If you're different, you've got to brood and whine about it like everyone else on this show!
Hiro: Fine. You can be boring. Like yogurt. I'll be special.
Ando: Nobody's special! Especially not us! We're Japanese!
Hiro: According to IMDb, you're Korean.
Ando: That's besides the point. But fine, you can be "super-hiro"

NYC

Peter: Simone, what are you frantically searching for?
Simone: Morphine. I need you to come help my crazy boyfriend.
Peter: Well, I was talking to this philosophical cab driver, and I'm starting to think that I have a greater purpose than taking care of dying people.
Simone: My boyfriend is more important right now. Come on!

Odessa, Texas

Claire: In case the last Hiro/Ando scene wasn't funny enough, you can watch me stick my hand in this garbage disposal.
Claire's Mom: Honey, I want to connect with you...
Claire: So...I was actually wondering if I can meet my real parents?
Claire's Mom: Why?
Claire: Well, mostly I'm curious if my dad looks anything like Hugh Jackman...
HRG: Honey, I'm home! So, fans, how many of you ever suspected me to be cheerleader's father?
Claire: Hey, adoptive father! How was your business trip to NYC?
HRG: Quite uneventful, except that my cab driver left me in the middle of a crowded street.

NYC

Simone: Isaac! I brought my nurse to help you!
Peter: There's no way he can paint the future. That's waaaay more impossible than a human flying.
Isaac: Sorry, already ODed here...
Simone: OMG!!!!!
Peter: Hey, the flying guy in this painting is quite handsome. Who's he suppossed to be?

Tokyo

Hiro: I don't care what Ando says. I'm still awesome. If only I could go to New York...
Clock: Whoa...suddenly everything is moving so fast!
Hiro: What? I'm in Times Square??? YATAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NYC

Mohinder: Narrating again, this time about quests...
Nathan: Peter, why'd you need me to come to this mysterious back alley? And where's that voice about quests coming from?
Peter: I'm gonna jump!
Nathan: Whoa! If you die, do you have any clue what my chances of winning will be?!?
Peter: Look, I can fl-- AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Nathan: I can fly too, but only when I need to save my image. Er...I mean brother.
Peter: Oh, Nathan! I've never felt closer-
Nathan: Whoops...butterfingers!
Peter: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

to be continued...